drowned roses || completed

5

a year passed, i was alone again.

i moved into a dorm room. no roommate. my mother begged me to live with her, but i couldn't. i wasn't going to put her through my sadness.

i never cried when he left. never shed a tear. i wasn't really sad or upset or even happy. i didn't feel anything. i was numb. didn't feel the need to live anymore. i'd gotten into self harm. thought if i made myself physically hurt, that i'd get some kind of emotion out of myself.

i was sick, but i knew the cure would worsen me in the long run.

the cure knocked at my door as i finished drawing a bath. i opened the door.

he was wearing an all black tux, striped tie. he held a bouquet of roses in his hand.

my eyes widened.

"hey," he held the roses out for me to take. i took them.

i started to shut the door. his foot stopped it. "Alara," he speaks.

my breath hitched.

i looked at him. he looked at me. i set the roses down, turn around, there he was. it was real. he was real.

"you look-"

i coughed.

"i missed you," he took a step closer. i took one back.

"Alara, please don't be like that," another step. i didn't move.

he reached out to brush my arm. i shiver. goosebumps appeared. he looked at my skin, my cuts.

"are you- Alara, did you–?"

i pulled away.

"i love you."

i blinked. i thought that hearing those words again would make me feel. it didn't, i realized then.

"you can't," i said.

"but i do, & i can. we can be togeth–"

"no. you can't just waltz back into my life & start to matter again, & then leave me again with a giant hole in my heart, again. "

"Ale, i never meant to hurt you."

"yes. you did. you played with me, toyed. got what you wanted until you were bored. & then you hurt me."

"is this you talking or your friends? because this most certainly does not sound like you," he looked worried for me.

"this is me. this sounds like me. you just didn't know me that well."

"so it's over?"

i didn't answer, took the roses, & headed to the bathroom. i closed the door. leaned against it.

"how do you know it's over?" he asked through the door.

i didn't answer, but i thought to myself, "you know it's over when you are more in love with memories than the person in front of you."

i heard him sigh. he walked away from the door. angry tears filled my eyes.

he moved on. that fast. as much as i hate to even write it, i knew it was true. i let the angry tears fall & slid my body against the door as i made my way to the floor, i cried. he saw me at my lowest of lows & my highest of highs. and he still wanted me. Yet, i let him walk away. how was i supposed to get over that? how was i supposed to forgive myself for that? how was i supposed to forgive him for that?

i looked at the bath. i wanted to drown him in the filled tub. So i did it. i drowned him. i drowned the roses he gave me. i thought that if i didn't allow them to breathe, it'd be like he couldn't. and i didn't want him to breathe. i wanted him to be so sad about losing me that i didn't even realize i was the one who lost something. and that makes me sad, even today.