insane // joshler

one.

a/n: this is my first proper joshler fanfic, and i just wanted to point out that the rest of this book does include mentions of self-harm, suicide, depression, death, mental hospitals, bullying, and more that may trigger some readers.
please do not read if you are easily triggered.
i also need to mention that there will be mild smut. not in the first chapters, but throughout the story. it won't be that detailed, or graphic, but i just needed to clarify everything before you guys start reading.
thank you, and enjoy!

—

it hurts.

the feeling of emptiness in tyler's stomach increases as he sits on the lid of the closed toilet, hugging his knees and continuously shivering.

the bathroom stall smelled terrible; he glanced at the walls of the enclosed cubicle, reading the disgusting harsh words written among them.

tyler's heart starts beating at a rapid pace. he feels himself slowly getting dizzier and dizzier.
don't cry, tyler, he tells himself. you're not going to cry.

he tries desperately to hold his breath when he suddenly hears the bathroom door swing open. he tries his best not to make a single noise, but can't help himself as he slowly whimpers.

"where is he?!" tyler hears the voice of the boy he's been dreading to hear.
"i don't know.." another voice answers.
"you said you saw him run in here!" the voice yells, and tyler hugs his knees tighter, trying not to make a sound as he feels his tears flooding in.

"he's probably in that stall," the voice responds. there was a moment of silence, and, deep down, tyler knew what was about to happen.

shit, he thinks. you're going to get yourself killed tyler, that's what you deserve anyway.

"open up, dumbass!"
tyler stays silent, hugging his knees tighter than ever.
bang, bang, bang, bang.
the banging on the door gets louder.
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.

"p-please.. just leave me alone," tyler manages to say.
he hears the laughter of the boys outside, loud and intimidating and utterly obnoxious.

"maybe you shouldn't have been staring at me in the halls, you fucking gaylord."
the words shot tyler stronger than anything. he knew he was gay; he just didn't expect his crush on peter to be so obvious, and he was filled with embarrassment.

"i wasn't staring-"
"bullshit!" peter managed to break the lock open, using the strength of his biceps, and with the help of his friend.

satisfied, peter reaches in and grabs tyler's collar, shoving tyler's face near his own.
"i can't wait till we graduate in a few months and i won't ever have to see your gay ass ever again," peter spat.

tyler closes his eyes tightly, waiting for the pain to be over. he was weak, so weak, compared to the tall, muscular blonde standing in front of him.

peter throws a punch across tyler's face, casing him to groan with pain. once he fell to the floor, with blood all over his nose and lips, peter and his friend started kicking tyler's stomach and legs as hard as they could.

"you're fucking eighteen, you weirdo," peter grunts in between kicks, ignoring tyler's pleads to stop. "can you at least stand up for yourself?! fight back? you're pathetic, honestly."

peter motioned for his friend to leave, and they exited the bathroom, leaving tyler almost unconscious near the sinks.

this happened almost every single day, but tyler couldn't help himself. he can't fight back, he's just not strong enough; and the bullies took advantage of that, and they'd find any excuse to start torturing him during after-school hours.

tyler tried to get up, but his body felt heavy, and his knees felt weak. he placed his hand on his nose, feeling a sharp pain as soon as he touched it.

"ugh," he grunted, attempting to wipe most of the blood with the sleeve of his black hoodie.

he eventually got up, with the fear of knowing that anyone could come in the bathroom at any second.

tyler stared at himself in the mirror, broken to what he saw.
this wasn't him.

this wasn't the happy teenage boy who had many friends, who was the leader of the basketball team, who was known as the "popular kid" because of how social and kind he was to everyone.

ever since he came out to his friends as gay, the whole school started to make fun of him. his friends left him, and he turned into the main target of every bully's eye.

because of how distracted he was, tyler got kicked off the basketball team, and his parents bashed him for not concentrating enough because sports was the only thing he was good at that could get him a scholarship.

tyler was treated like shit by his own parents, the teachers, and everyone in the school. he had no one; and no matter how strong he tried to be, something would always find its way to break him down.

so one day, tyler decided to start cutting. it wasn't the right choice, obviously. but he soon learned that it helped immensely.

he would use random sharp objects he found laying around the house- like broken glass, or just anything that would do enough damage to his wrists.
and from then on, he started wearing long sleeves to school, to hide his severe scars.

tyler also has attempted suicide five times before. he overdosed on pills, but every time he did so, he failed, because his parents would always find him and he'd always get his stomach pumped. tyler would wake up angry, punching and scratching his parents and the nurses for not letting him die.

tyler's suicidal thoughts became too, much- so much, that he decided this time, he wasn't going to use pills. no, that's far too easy.
he wanted to actually end it.

so as he walked home from leaving the bathroom that day, still limping from the pain in his knees, he thought of ways he could commit suicide for the sixth time, but this time,
it would actually work.

tyler decided he'd hang himself.

he knew where his father kept the ropes, in the garage. so before going into his house, he went to the backyard and opened the garage door, grabbing the thickest rope he could find.

tyler quietly opened the back door, and stepped into the house. thankfully, his parents were still at work, and his siblings zack and jay were in college and they won't be coming home until summer break.

maddy, tyler's sister, was doing her homework in her room. so if he tried his best to be quiet, he won't get caught by her.

tyler walked across the hall to his room, and passed maddy's room. he saw her bedroom door open ajar, and she was blasting loud music while writing down her homework, singing along to the lyrics.

he sighed a sigh of relief and stepped into the bathroom.

tyler tied the rope to the faucet of the sink. it was the sturdiest thing that could hold his weight, so he connected the other side of the rope and tied it around his neck, not bothering to lock the door since he thought this was going to be a quick and easy process.

a tear slid down tyler's cheek as he checked if the rope was sturdy enough. and with one final breath, he leaned forward, and he started to choke. he didn't care though. he kept his eyes closed, and when tyler opened his eyes, he felt them slowly roll backwards, and he saw a black cloud filling up his vision..

the last thing he heard was maddy's gasp when she entered the bathroom.