(explicit)
All he had said was he loved me.
The clock besides me read 8:02. I sleepily moaned and redshifted in my sheets. It was too early. However my hazy sight began to focus and my tired mind began to wake. The first thought that came to mind of course was that of last nights. I closed my eyes as I tried desperately to reenact the whole thing. Harry had said he still loved me. Something I could have kind of sensed since being around him again I guess? But why? It confused the hell out of me.
So now my mind was awake and I was thinking again. So I must have fallen asleep afterwards and he just left? How rude of me... I had absolutely no eagerness to get out of bed. I continued to brutally ponder these thoughts. So he loved me... Who am I to question this lingering love of his? But who is he to confess to such a strong feeling? What is love? And why does he still have feelings for me? Does he simply not understand? He left me when he promised to stay. He hurt me with words that he can't take back. He flirted with other girls but is now claiming he hasn't stopped loving me? And why would anyone want to love me, especially after calling it quits. Seeing my darkest side, giving up on me and wanting what? To do it all over again? Twenty-two minutes since I've been up and I have exhausted the words he said to me.
But do I really love him? No. No I don't. To be honest I don't know what love is. Especially when it comes to him. No I don't love him because he had hurt me. And no I'm not going to let him back in that easily. The problem with me is simple. I just do not know what love is. All this time I have been trying to find the balance or the flow of it but I have never succeeded. I have had my heart torn multiple times and still a few heart breaks later I cease to understand what it really is. See I think my problem is that I have experienced so many types of love but none of which last, therefore how can I possibly find someone who will love me forever? They always tell me that 'I'm different then the rest' or make the promise they'll 'love me forever' but every time, that boy changes his mind and I find myself here. Back to the drawing board. As of last night I simply do not know what to make of it. The young blind-loving me would have eagerly accepted Harry's love but now I am different and now that I am on this so called quest to find real love I am defiantly not going to fall so fast or at all for that matter. I would like to think that now I'm smarter. I know he's broken my heart before. He's left me in complete darkness and has shut me out. Why would he be so foolish as to think I would accept him back just like that? I mean yes I do like him. But I shall not say love because I now understand the power of its meaning and refuse to call our like for each other a love. I feel I must give our relationship some reality, something Harry completely shuts out of the picture. Yes some reality. I do not love him and he probably doesn't fully love me. So maybe I do not know what love is, but I do know what young, skinny love is. And that is all I've been emersed in my whole life.
So I got up. It was then around 9:20 I got a call.
"Hey girl!" My best friend Emma chirped on the other line.
"I hear you're in town! Would you like to go out to lunch with me? Oh! We could make it a brunch!" She was full of enthusiasm.
"Yes that would be great!" I replied. And in that moment I decided I needed to tell someone about all my thoughts and who better than my best friend.
"I have a lot to tell you."
We met up at a nice little cafe with coffees in our palms.
"So, what's going on?" Emma questioned right away.
"So I've been seeing Harry again..." I began hesitantly unable to make eye contact.
"Oh." She said completely surprised. "Um is that a good thing?"
