7 Days // a.i

Day 5

I want to start by saying I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been mad and I definitely shouldn’t have blamed everything on you and saying it’s all your fault. In a way it’s my fault. I should’ve seen the change in your mood. I should’ve noticed how you would be zoning out more often than you would. But then in a way it’s your fault because you didn’t talk about. You didn’t really speak about your struggle. You know I would’ve helped you Ashton. I would help you and not leave you until I was sure that you were alright but I understand.

I finally saw Michael and Luke again. Both of them seem ok. Both are still really upset about your fall back but all of us are. We all know that something like that could happen to any of us but it damaged you so much and we are all afraid of that.

Fear has finally appeared. We are all scared Ash. If only you didn’t fall back you would tell me everything is ok. You would hold me and kiss me. I miss your kisses. But since your fall back I haven’t experienced too much acts of affection. It’s tearing me apart and I’m afraid that the pain would be what makes me fall.

All these years, Ash, you were what kept me strong. You were the reason I stopped doing my bad habits. Since you had gone back to yours, I’m afraid I will fall back to mine but I have the support of Michael, Luke and Calum. Especially Calum, he’s been quite a sweetheart since yesterday. He’s always been a sweetheart, really. But lately he’s been more gentle and caring towards me.

You would be happy. I’m sure of it. Knowing I’m in the hands of someone stable and someone who can keep me away from my dark self. Cal is like my pole. He’s there to keep me up and keep going. You used to do that. But of course you had to fall into your old habits.

I’m sorry. I should be writing about Michael and Luke also, they matter too. Anyways, Michael told me he wrote a song but then ditched it, thinking it would bring too much painful memories of your fall back and he didn’t need to be reminded of how vulnerable and fragile we all really are.

Instead, him and Luke stayed at home yesterday. Their gaming console hasn’t been touched in five days. Now that’s a record. I was surprised to know that Michael wasn’t tempted to do anything he usually would do. No playing especially. That was the one I was most surprised about.

Moving on, we’re doing some-what ok now. It’s been five days now. So I guess everything will die down soon. It has too right? Someday Ash. It will someday.