7 Days // a.i

Day 4

Calum and I fell asleep together. Sort of. I couldn’t stop crying and muttering to myself that this is all my fault. So Calum came and cuddled with me. Once I was asleep, I didn’t wake up to see if Calum had left but he assured me that he left me alone and was just there for support. It felt nice, to say the least. Finally I had arms around me.

I also woke up to some breakfast this morning. Pancakes. Ice cream and of course a glass of orange juice. It was all because of Calum. I haven’t seen Michael or Luke in about two days and I hope they’re doing alright. I silently hope they didn’t do anything they would regret.

For a change I went out of the house. With Calum with me. He asked if I was ok. I told him I was but when I stepped outside, I ran back inside and fell on the couch. Crying out. All the memories of you and I leaving the house, all happy, holding hands, giving each other kisses, they all returned to me and I couldn’t help but cry. Calum then held me. He held my hand and I expected my instincts to retract my hand away but nothing happen.

Instead I let him. I let him hold me. Touch me. Hug me. And kiss my cheek. I let him do all the things you should be doing. But of course you had decided to just fall back. As if everything we did didn’t matter. All the promises. Kisses. The stupid promise ring you bought me. Yeah, that’s right, I called it stupid. It was stupid of me to accept it. Stupid of you to even think of the idea.

I should’ve known that something was going to happen. The shaking of your hand, the unsureness in your eyes. But I guess I just loved you too much. But guess what Ashton? I’m starting to realize this is your fault. All of this. Because I did everything I can, I helped you stop in the first place but YOU decided to fall back.

So it’s not my fault. It’s yours. I shouldn’t feel sorry for something I didn’t cause. There you have it; I’m not believing the bullshit your bandmates told me. Yes I know you were stressed but you had been stressed before and you never fell back then. So why now?

I spent three days believing it was all my fault but now I realize it’s all your fault. This is your own fault. It’s all your fault Ashton. It has been all this time.