From My Eyes

I Don't Want to be Up

My alarm rings.

6:30 A.M.

I drag myself out of bed and I throw on my clothes. Just simple clothes, nothing too be proud of. Just a simple pair of jeans, and a black tee.

I go up to my in room mirror. A mess. As per usual I suppose. I brush my messy short hair. My mother made me cut it when I refused to care for it the way she wanted. I go down the stairs, mentally preparing for my father and his jokes about something I did wrong already.

"Didn't you wear that shirt yesterday? The kids at school are gonna think we don't buy you new clothes haha."

You don't. But okay. 

"No, I have three of these. I like them, they're comfortable."

I eat my breakfast very quietly as my father talks on and on about how I sleep all day and I'll never have a boyfriend if I keep that up. 

Whats the point? 

I mean, no boy will like me anyway. Especially not me, I stare out the window in class, and if one does talk to me... well. I'm not good enough. 

I just don't want to be up right now. I want to sleep.

I ascend the stairs again. I look in the mirror and put on the face I put on for my mother. If she thinks I am sad she'll just yell at me more. I don't like it when she yells.

There's a cloud around me. Just, a dark cloud that if you get to close to it, it ruins your day. It makes you lose confidence, joy, and any sign that someone may care for you. What's that called? Hope, I think. 

I open the car door, get inside, start the engine, and I drive to school. 

On this drive, my favorite band, Hotel Books, turns on with Run Free Wild Young Beauty, and I just feel the need to drive back when my parents are at work, and just sleep. Sleep. It's all I can wish for. It's dying, but without commitment. 

Life is hard to push on with. I don't understand why. Why? I have a fine life. My parents aren't totally the worst, they just appear that way to me and I don't know why. I live in a nice house, plenty of food. I have a decent car that can get me to and fro. Why do I want sleep? 

I think I may understand. 

It's the bliss of dreaming that your life was even more perfect. Everything is up to your mind to decide your fate. Some days, You can fly free. 

Other days, you fall.

I am pulled from my thoughts as I write what the teachers tell me to write. 

This isn't learning. This is memorizing.

I won't remember this, it's pointless. I should just... nap. Or just close my eyes for like two minutes. No one will notice. What's the harm, right?

I slowly fall into the dream state. Bliss. 

I am flying, there are birds beside me, the clouds feel like silk. Everything defies what I know to be reality. I don't have to wake up. No one needs me there. I'm too tired to care.

I just..

I don't want to be up... 

It becomes so easy to lean into my own arms and close my eyes, they are so heavy. I don't even know if I can even try to stay-

All of a sudden, a very concerned teacher wakes me up. He asks if I am okay.

"I'm just tired, didn't sleep very well. Ya know?"

Truth is, I didn't. It doesn't matter how much I sleep, everything is just so restless, and I find it very hard to get peace. 

"I know it is hard, but class is almost over, just try to stay awake a little longer."

I finally get home after what seemed like forever, and immediately rush up to my room. I turn on soft music so my family thinks I am awake, but I lay down so that I could try to get some rest. How nice would it be, if I could just have that moment where I have peace wash over me and I could feel rested.  I may not want to be asleep, but I don't want to be awake either..