From My Eyes

To Build a World for You

I wanted you to see what it was I saw when you were around. I just wanted you to feel what I felt when the moon was shining, the stars were out, and I look over to gaze at you and were already gazing at me. I wanted to show you what it meant to me when you held my hand and I would squeeze back to assure you I was there. I wanted to create a world where we could appreciate if we lay vulnerable to each other that eventually we would figure out where the pieces go, and put back together the puzzle that made us confused.

But in my greed, I lost sight of why I wanted these things. I got overcome in making something for us, that I neglected you. I forgot to nourish your potential, and I didn't give you the room to breathe. You got smothered and scared, and the very world I tried to create for us, got left behind.

In that tiny seed of a world that I never got to finish making for us, lies a part of my heart that I left specially for you. Because while I was blind, I still knew that you were the one I was building that world for, I remembered the starry sky in which captivated both of our eyes, but only for so long before we got captured by the deafening sounds of our hearts trying to merge together- but they couldn't quite reach that far out, so instead they made our bodies get closer in the hopes that they might finally combine and beat as one.

But, if our hearts did manage to merge- would they beat at the same rate? Would they stay on the same tempo, or would they fight for control as one got so tired of fighting that it forgot why it merged with the other in the first place as it tore itself away leaving yet another scar on the long list of people's hearts who left their scars there?

These are what made me overlook what you really needed. My selfishness to keep your heart in the same cage as mine because it made me happy. My obsession with being important enough to stay in your life, that I forgot what had made me important to you- it wasn't my looks, and it definitely wasn't my money (for which, I have none). It was that I wanted to create such worlds, such beautiful worlds in which we would be happy. But the longer I worked on these worlds, the more I lost you. You would no longer sit on the throne I had built for you and it would frustrate me because why couldn't you sit still while I was making this for you? Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you feel what I feel? Why can't you..?

Because I can see these things, and I can feel them, and they are very real. So why can't you sense them too?

Because if you can't sense it, what did I make this for? If you can't sense it, what does that mean about me?

Is life just a weird fucked up system in which, in order to survive, you must rely on some sort of sick twisted drug? Well, you were my drug, because around you I can see skies in shades of colors no ones ever seen before, with clouds in the sky that I can't describe how fluffy they are. The grass would be soft to lay on, not blades, but rather baby-proof edges with fuzz covers so to not hurt sensitive skin. I can see a lake with the perfect color and just the right amount of ripples to be aesthetically pleasing as possible, and a beautiful willow tree that is in perfect bloom with a light color slowly dropping petals into the cool water. I can see a spot for you and I to stare at the perfectly shaped universe, with its vast amount of galaxies and constellations, with colors no man has ever seen and anyone would be lucky to see but fuck.

God dammit.

How could I start to look at that sky when there is a whole universe that only I can see when I look into your piercing eyes and see just how vulnerable I am to you, because how can I see all these worlds and still end up in your fucking hazel brown eyes - and that is tearing me up.

Because how could I forget why I was building that world?

Can you imagine how it felt to be held by you again? A part of my heart had returned from that seed. Part of it expecting there to be more pieces than before, expected to see a world it was used to, and that part of my heart didn't know where another piece of my heart had gone to another world that I had tried to build for someone else, but this part of my heart quickly found where it fit again, and continued to figure out what color went where in our world. But I need more colors to best fit our world now that I stepped back from it. I need new ways to build that sky good enough to stare at so you can be amazed at it while I'm just amazed by you. I need new ways to build this world, because while the blueprint is the same, the material needed is new. This time, this time I'm ready to focus on what is really important though. What's important, is I build it with you.

If only you'd held me. If only you would come hold my hand again, or even speak to me without avoidance. Can you say my name without resentment boiling? Because I can only say yours with a longing to be closer to the person attached to that name. I put on masks and throw witty angry remarks, I'm sorry I did that, I'm just upset that someone I was building an entire universe for, just didn't see what I was trying to show them. Worse- I can't tell them about how I feel anymore.

I saw that you liked the world you were on- so I tried to create a whole new one for you to enjoy- only to find you just wanted to share the one you were on.

I just wanted you to see what I saw when you were around.