From My Eyes

Is There More Than Me Here

It is getting kind of hard to tell the differences in my personality. There seems to be different people based on what is going on around me, and I can't tell which was originally me anymore. 

I used to think that I was someone who didn't care, and could do anything they want without repercussion, or at least without severe consequence. This person we could call, "Raven" because her look said she doesn't care so long as it doesn't directly hurt or effect someone close, or even herself. Raven's priority is to make everything not matter, until it becomes important enough to be. She doesn't need people to make her feel better, and she doesn't need anyone for anything. She could go through the worst pains in life, and not care. I call Raven when everything starts to feel too much to handle. 

I used to think I was someone who cared too much, some days. I would care until it caused me pain for others, to be so empathetic that I could feel others energy to the  point I would collapse. This person I call, "Adalina" (derived from a German word meaning "Honorable; Noble") because her calmness and caring nature would attract the broken and allow her to heal them as they broke her down, and she would get back up and do it all over again without having someone to heal her, never leaving those scars on others. I call Adalina when I see that someone I care about is falling apart and may need the reassurance. 

By far, I thought I was someone who was too aggressive and angry at everything for no reason. The world was somehow to blame for all the terrible things done, not only to me, but all the people suffering. It was the world that turned its back on others and beat down the weak. I call this  one, "Ruby" because all she sees is the red of the world, after all the blood has been shed, and injustices were made. How could such horrible things happen to innocent people? How could such manipulative people worm their way into hearts like Adalina's and find a way to make it turn into such a dark black. She is harder to reach but she will stay the longest, I call Ruby when an injustice occurs and no one will speak. 

I believed I was someone who was far too quiet. Someone who will sit quietly, won't speak unless spoken to, and holds back their opinions as to not overcrowd the conversation. She is, "Luna" because she is as quiet as the moon, she is what people like to stare at, use as an example, but would never try to be. She is nice to look at, she shines bright, but it is hard to love something that is so far away ( even if just mentally). I call upon Luna when I need to be an example to others, that it is okay to be quiet once in a while. 

I contemplated if I was someone who was dark, and cruel. Someone who could imagine such awful things, and would be okay if they happened for the sake of a few statistics. Someone who could set the world on fire, just so the plants would grow a little greener from the ashes after everyone had perished. She is, "Desdemona" (greek for "of the devil", "ill-fated one", and "misery") because she doesn't feel anything, everything is numb around her, so she can make such cruel decisions and not feel the pain of regret, guilt, or sadness. There is a null void where her heart should be, and she doesn't even classify as a person. This is the type of person who could take a life and still sleep at night. I don't call upon her, she calls upon me after Adalina is broken and Ruby can no longer talk to make it right. Desdemona takes control with no effort and she stays until anyone else is strong enough to take her.

There is only one person that could be that strong. This person is a warrior who knows they are worthy, and they will keep going despite the damage in their armor. They know that the battle is rough, and the path isn't easy. She is a powerful ally, and can boost anyone up where they need to be, and while it may be more difficult without a boost, she can climb any mountain with no help. She is, "Asta" (Greek for "divine strength") because she is much more than her armor, she can fight and come out stronger. She takes her time to come to battle, because life needs a story line pattern to follow in order for a hero to be needed. Asta only comes after Desdemona takes control for too long. 

I can't fully say I am any of these people, because it feels like I have no control over them. I try to remain a neutral ground, where I can be just someone who laughs, loves, and cares just enough to be content. But my personalities always fight for control about who I am, and as much as I call certain ones, it is always the ones that I can't control that become me, and the ones I call who can do nothing. 

So when they tell me I am strong, I am sure they mean Asta is stronger than Desdemona some days and that is how I can make it out alive. But, notice that not a single personality is notorious for the life I strive to have, they all flourish in the chaos brought to me by the environment that I was trying to grow in. And while many flowers are brought up in nice soil, I grew like a weed in the gravel that I shouldn't have been in. 

So who am I, if all these people are me? They are all so different, but all of them become who I am, even if I attempt to run, or hide, they are all me. There is more than one person in my mind..