Stable Connection

Chapter Twenty-Three

Lina’s POV

                I was hoping to escape the hole of depression I found myself in from the moment I woke up this morning; on top of the horrible hangover that I was fighting the event with Jon was replaying over and over in my mind. I was stupid to let myself go and kiss him like that, everything was going good between us and I had to up and ruin it all. Would he even be able to look at me the same after last night; would I even be able to look at him the same? I don’t know why I even asked myself that when I already knew the answer, no, no we wouldn’t; everything would be different between us now, awkward, never the same. After hours of doing nothing but feeling bad for myself in my room alone I decided to go out and spend some time with my horse; being with the horses always offered me somewhat of an escape, a sense of peace. I was brushing out Juliet when I noticed Jon in the bars with me just outside the stall, I wanted to try and avoid him for a few days, give myself some time to get over what happened but clearly that wasn’t going to happen; he did his best to make conversation but I couldn’t help but feel a little awkward with him now like I knew I would.

“Lina about last night…” Jon started; I knew where he was going with this and I didn’t want him to try and make me feel better, I just needed to get over this on my own and hopefully one day we could go back to what we were before, friends.

“Look Jon, its fine you don’t have to explain. I don’t know why I thought that you would have feelings towards me and I never should have done what I did. Can we just try to forget about the whole thing and move on?” I asked hoping that he would accept that and we could start working back towards some sort of friendship with each other.

“I don’t want to forget about it Lina, I meant what I said.” He replied taking me by surprise; I thought that him saying that he wanted me was all just a way for him to make me feel better. Could he really want to be with me? No, he has to be trying to patch things up in his own way.

“Jon its ok, I get it. You don’t have to try and make me feel better; I know when I’m not wanted.” I replied trying to focus on brushing Juliet so that my mind didn’t drift off to the old fantasies I used to have about being with Jon.

“Lina would you stop and just listen to me for a minute?” Jon placed his hand on mine stopping my brush strokes and I finally gave up and turned to face him.

“What do you want from me Jon? I don’t understand what you want. One minute you seem into me and the next you’re pulling away, then you give me some excuse about you not being good enough for me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Why wouldn’t you be good enough for me? If you think that because of your past your any less of a person than anyone else than you’re just plain stupid! You have my mind so messed up right now that its hard to even think straight Jon; I just need some time alone to sort things out.” I snapped and went to walk out of the barn; so maybe it wasn’t exactly the right thing to do, maybe I was a little harsh but I really just needed time to sort everything out. I was already fighting my own battle in my mind about my feelings for him I didn’t need him filling my mind with more things that I didn’t know if they were the truth or just lies to try and make me feel better.

“Damn it Lina!” Jon shouted as I made my way to the stall door; the tone in his voice made me stop in my tracks, even Juliet shuffled a little next to him and normally it took a lot to even phase her in the slightest.

“What?” I shouted back turning around to face him.

“I want you to stop being so damn hard headed and stop and listen to me for just one fucking minute!” I had never seen such a look of determination and anger on Jon’s face before and the sight of it made me stop and listen to what he had to say but it still didn’t make me want to make it easy for him.