"I wanted an escape from all the pain and the only thing I could think of was cutting." - Heaven Peralejo
"I want her to stop but she never does so I'll give her a taste of her own medicine." - Markus Paterson
*warning: contains self harm
Iniwan ko ng magisa si Heaven dahil alam kong wala siyang masama na gagawin at may kailangan pa akong asikasuhin.
These past few days nagiipon ako ng gifts for Heaven for getting through everything. I am so proud dahil naging brave siya sa lahat na pinagdadaanan niya. Plano kong ibigay lahat ng ito mamaya sa after party at excited na ako.
My dressing room is filled with all sorts of gifts for her from stuffed toys from all sizes, flowers, chocolates, Korean food, Cheetos, and the most important, a necklace that has her beautiful name engraved on it with Diamonds.
I placed each and every gift carefully into a van that will transfer it to the venue of the party.
I was gone for probably 1 hour and 30 minutes ng maisipan kong puntahan si Heaven sa kanyang dressing room.
I knocked 3 times but no answer. Strange. Heaven usually answers at parang natatakot ako na kinakabahan ma ewan. Parang deja vu lang feel ko nangyari na ito dati.
Dahil walang sumasagot, naisipan kong pumasok na lang dahil nakabukas naman ang door. Pagtingin ko walang tao. So nilibot ko ang paningin ko sa kwarto niya. Nakita ko yung purse niya na nakaptong sa table kasama yung susi ko. So nakuha niya na nga yung purse niya pero asan na siya. Tinignan ko ulit yung paligid at may nakitang drawer na nakabukas at parang hinalungkat sa sobrang gulo.
Napagisipan ko na lang magphone muna at pumunta ako ng snapchat. Tinignan ko yung isang snap ni Heaven from just recently. Tinignan ko kung ano ito.
Oops! Ang larawang ito ay hindi sumusunod sa aming mga alituntunin sa nilalaman. Upang magpatuloy sa pag-publish, subukan itong alisin o mag-upload ng bago.
At nung nabasa ko iyon simula akong napanic at dumiretso sa kanyang CR. At tama nga ang hinala ko dahil nakalock ito. Natatakot ako sa posibleng mangyayari dahil hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko kung totoo ngang nagpakamatay siya.
Sinira ko yung pinto ng CR niya dahil wala na akong time para kunin pa yung susi sa dressing room ko. And with what I saw, I was horrified. I saw Heaven on a pool of her own blood, lifeless. I stood frozen, shocked, heartbroken, devastated, I don't know anymore. Nang matauhan ako sa mga nangyayari, I quickly picked up her lifeless pale body, grabbed my car keys and ran out the building. I dont care about what people will think right now. Heaven's life is on the line and I don't know what I would do without her.
"Heaven please don't give up now. We've worked so hard so please don't just throw it out. Please please please lumaban ka not for me but for yourself." I said talking to her lifeless body. "I won't let you go. Your name might be Heaven but I won't allow you to go there now. Please I know you'll be happier when you wake up. We're all here for you."
I drove faster and faster not even caring about my speed limit because this is an emergency.
Pagdating namin sa hospital, I carried her out of the car, and before I could put her on a stretcher a piece of paper fell from her hands. I laid her down and got the paper from the ground. They rushed her in the emergency room and I couldn't do anything but just wait and pray na maging okay siya. I called her friends and family and told them what happened and in less than 10 minutes everyone arrived. No one could stop crying because of what has happened.
I was just in the corner alone ng maalala ko yung papel. I grabbed it from my pocket and read it.
Hi guys! I don't know how to start this pero ito na. Alam kong nagtataka kayo kung bakit ko to ginawa pero if I were you, I won't stress it because I am sure this will make me and everyone happy. I have made a decision that I know will give me happiness and I hope will give everyone happiness too. Because everyone was right, I am just a burden and no one loves me. But, gusto ko pa ring magpasalamat dahil ipinaramdam niyo pa rin ang pagmamahal niyo kahit pilit lang ito o fake.
Leila, thank you for being the bestfriend and only girl friend I've had. You made me feel what it is like to have actual friends. Now I know na pilit lang yun at dahil lang din yun sa awa masaya pa rin akong naging kaibigan kita. Maraming salamat! I love you and you are now free to be with who you want to be friends with. Hindi ka na maawa sa akin and you can choose friends you really want to have. Thank you thank you thank you.
Mom, Dad, and Sky, you can now be the perfect family you have always dreamed about. Wala na ako, wala ng burden at wala ng makakapagpigil sa perfect family na hinhiling niyl. Sorry dahil nakisali ako sa pamilyang to kahit na alam ko hindi akong tunay na anak ni daddy. Pero nagpapasalamat ako sa mahal na ipinakita niyo sa akin. At kahit naging burden ako, ipinalaki niyo pa rin ako sa ilalim ng bubong niyo, ipinakain, ipinatulog at ipinaramdam ang pagmamahal ng pamilya kahit na peke lang para sa inyo pero, I will treasure it in mu heart as if it was real. Thank you and enjoy your family bondings na wala na ako.
Lastly, Markus. Salamat sa pagaalaga mo. Sa pagmamahal mo. Sa words of wisdom mo. Sa lahat ng ginawa mo para mapigilan tong mangyari pero sorry huli na ang lahat. Sorry dahil natapon ko yung effort natin. Pero sana alam mo na dahil dito magiging masaya ako. Wala ng mga problema. Wala ng haters. Wala ng sakit na palagi kong nararamdaman. Sana pala matagal ko na tong ginawa para hindi na ako at kayong mahirapan. Wag kang umiyak or maging emo diyan. Ipagpatuloy mo lang ang buhay mo alam kong makakahanap ka din ng iba agad. Gwapo mo kaya! Pero thank you talaga for trying pero I guess it wasn't enough. Thank you for everything and sorry na din for everything. I love you very much tandaan mo yan at babantayan kita palagi dito. I will be your number one guardian angel. Mahal na mahal kita tandaan mo yan ha. Ako na nagsabi ngayon para maiba naman. Pero seryoso mahal na mahal kita wag mo yang kakalimutan.
To everyone, don't blame yourself it was not your fault. It was mine. Maybe I just wasn't enough for everyone. Thank you na din sa lahat. Don't cry over me. Continue living your life and this time I hope mas masaya kayo than when I was there. Paalam na at mahal ko kayong lahat. Nasa mabuting lugar na ako ngayon at masaya na ako kaya wag kayong mag aalala. Paalam na sa inyong lahat. Wag niyong makakalimutan kahit wala na ako, mahal ko pa rin kayo.
