Broken Inside

Loki had never wanted the throne. He never wanted to do the things he did. He didn't have much of a plan at all, to be honest. Ha, honest words don't tend to leave the God of Lies' mouth. This might just be a first. All he ever wanted was to be Thor's equal. To be loved by his father.

It all made sense now, he wasn't an Asgardian. Not really. He was a monster, a horrible monster. The kind of monster he and Thor had always pretended to destroy when they were younger.Odin didn't ever show any affection to Loki. He actually couldn't think of a time his father even looked at him lovingly. It was always Thor. Thor was the golden child. He was always the one meant to be king.

All Loki could ever be was impossible now. He was meant to create peace between the Jotuns and Asgardians. Actual peace, not just everybody pretending all was well. Thor had ruined that too. He had went to the land of the Frost Giants craving blood and killed so many without reason. Now there was absolutely nothing he could do to make his father proud.

Loki remembered a time when he and Thor had been doing their school work in the comforts of their mother's garden. Loki had always loved school, the peace (when he was alone, which was almost always) the smell of books, and learning everything he could. Thor, on the other hand, hated school. He wanted to be with his friends outside, and to be the center of attention. Thor was practically allergic to knowledge of any kind unless it was about brute force.

So there they were, doing their homework and listening to the nature around them. Suddenly they had seen their father, which was a rare thing considering he was always busy. They both ran to him, but Thor got to Odin's arms first. Odin lifted him up into the air, causing the young blond to scream in delight. Laughing, he set his son back onto the ground. Loki then stepped forward to receive a display of affection too, but he was too late. Thor was dragging Odin to where he was working and showed him how much he had gotten done.

Seeing this as a chance to get his father to notice him too, Loki went up to him holding all his schoolwork in a folder. Excitedly he told Odin that he had already finished his homework and all of next week's work too. His fathers' reply was not what he expected. Odin asked the youngest boy why he looked so pale and that he should go outside and play with his friends more often. Just like Thor, he concluded.

Just like Thor.

It was something the God of Mischief would hear often over his long life. It appeared he would never be good enough. That was why he hadn't lifted Thor's banishment and had lied to him. He could prove to everyone that he was fit to be king. That he could  be as good as Thor. It wasn't his plan to take over the throne, it was thrust upon him. He was so scared when he was told. But he  had to be strong, he had to make his father proud. He was so afraid when he thought his brother was dead. Come back, brother, Loki had thought, Please, please. You cannot be dead! It may have even been the first time he had felt regret.

His heart lifted when seeing Thor was alive, but then he realized that Thor would hate him for everything. He had to think quick. What would make his brother happy? Then it hit him. He would have to kill all of the frost giants. Loki shuddered. Did he really need to kill his own kind? But then, he was left for dead and wouldn't be alive if it weren't for Odin. The Asgardians were his family. All through out their lives, Thor had told Loki that he wanted the giants dead and gone. It would please him. Loki would have to do this to get back in his brother's good graces.

What happened after became a blur. He went insane from all the rage held inside of him for so long. Why couldn't Thor just accept him? Why couldn't his father ever love him? Must he always be the black sheep of the family? There was fighting and trickery that Loki could not remember. Suddenly the Bifrost was being broken and Loki felt the urge to stop him. Then there was a bright, white light and suddenly both he and Thor were flying over the edge.

When Loki regained focus, he saw that he was only hanging on by Odin's staff. When he looked even further he noticed Thor was holding onto it, and Thor was being held by his ankle by none other than their father. Just awoken from Odin-sleep, Loki could easily see that he could not raise both of them to safety. His brother was saying something, but the god of magic could not hear. Green miserable eyes looked back up at his father. Cold loveless ones looked back at him; it was such a familiar look to receive from Odin.

Loki felt so hopeless, so empty inside. He had crossed the line and deep down inside there was something quickly breaking. Maybe it was his heart. In one last attempt to make something better, Loki called up to his father. He said that it was all for him. And he was rejected. Loki was rejected by his father for the umpteenth time. He couldn't do this. He couldn't bear to feel the hate and disappointment from his so-called family. Not now, not today, not ever. Thor was still saying something, but he went ignored.

Then Loki, God of Mischeif and Magic and Lies, let go. He let go of all his burdens. The need to impress his father; the need to be Thor's equal. The heavy weight was lifted as he fell through the broken Bifrost; Loki sighed calmly and enjoyed the choas around him that he had caused.