Bendict Cumberbatch Imagines

Enigma (Part 5) - The Disaster That Smile Brung

WARNING: Scenes of suicide and depression described

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You yawned and scratched the back of your head as you finally woke up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you shivered, holding your jacket over your shoulders. Of course, you had stayed the night in the spare bedroom at Alan's messy house. You were curious as to why Alan insisted you sleep in the other room, because you had platonically slept in the same bed a few times. Last night, he refused to become sleepy as you ran your fingers through his hair. He practically begged for you to leave him - though you weren't sure why, you had obliged as you didn't want to make him emotional again.

Your feet made small pittering sounds as you made your way to Alan's room across the wooden floor. "Alan?" You asked, knocking lightly on the door. You heard nothing, silence, which was unusual for him, so you knocked again; no response. You put your hand on the door nob, jiggling it gently; it was locked. "Alan?" You asked again, knocking a bit louder, worry washing over you as you knocked again and again.

You turned the door nob over and over again, but found no avail as it continued to stay in it's place. Stepping back a bit, you slammed your shoulder into the door. It hurt like hell, but it seemed to do nothing.. So you did it again, and again, and again. Until eventually you gave up and started kicking at the door. Great solution, (Y/N). You thought to yourself, rolling your eyes - you were smarter than this. Quickly, you grabbed two bobby pins out of your hair, letting it free as you knelt down in front of the door. You'd learnt how to lock pick throughout your years of training, but of course you never used it until now. After a few minutes, the door gave opened and you walked in nervously, keeping your head to the ground and avoiding looking at him just in case he was sleeping. When you looked up, you wished you'd never opened the door in the first place. You clasped your hand over your mouth and screamed into it, sinking to your knees with overwhelming pain and despair. With an apple to the side of him, Alan Turing lied unmoving in his bed, the apple's bite outlined with white powder. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Continuing to scream, you were sure that someone would come eventually. You screamed his name, screamed for help, tears forcing their way out of your eyes as you squeezed them shut. You screamed until you thought he would wake up, screamed until your throat hurt, screamed until you thought your vocal cords would just stop working. Rushing over to him, you grabbed his hand and used the other hand to clutch his face, repeating the phrase 'no' over and over again while sobbing violently. You looked from the apple to him to back to the apple, your entire body shaking as everything that was held inside of you poured out of you. You shook him, repeating, "I love you" a couple of times before the words were contorted with sobs as you drowned in your thoughts. You should have never have left, if you didn't Alan would still be alive, Of course, Alan wouldn't want you to blame yourself, and you wanted so badly to hear that from Alan right now. But he wouldn't wake up. He would never wake up again. The beautiful soul that you changed the world with took his own life, because he wasn't a heterosexual. Anger flared up inside you but the sadness just washed right back over as you continued to cry.

The last thing you remember is uncontrollable sobbing and then seeing a wide sea of black. You woke up in the same room to the feeling of someone shaking your shoulder and the sound of a consoling voice trying to coax you back into reality. In your grief-filled head, it sounded like Alan, so you instantly shot up, looking around you, having hope that this was some twisted dream. When you looked down, you saw the still, lifeless body of Alan Turing, sending you into another panic attack. "Ma'am! Ma'am calm down!" One of the men yelled as you began to scream, slapping his hand off of your shoulder. You placed your head on his chest and pursed your lips, trying not to sob, scream or cry any harder than you already did. "Ma'am? I need you to tell me what happened." You took a deep breath and turned around to the police officer in front of you, giving him a nasty look and speaking to him, your voice soaked in sarcasm.

"What happened? Surely even you could figure it out. This man is Alan Turing." You saw the man's face go white and his eyes bulge as he stares at the body below you again. "The man who broke Enigma. The man who saved the world. And he took his own life last night. Don't ask me what time, because I don't know. But you know what? I was in the spare bedroom. I could have done something and I didn't. And he committed suicide. And for what? Why would a man who accomplished so much and saved so many do something like this to himself?" You were sitting up now, red-faced and glassy eyed as the words came out of your mouth like a running faucet. "Because he was a homosexual. Because he chose this. He was forced to make a life-changing decision just because he was a little different from the rest of society. Jail-time or Chemical Castration. Both pretty shitty options, eh?" You stood up and began walking towards the police officer, sticking out a finger as you did. "Well he chose the latter. But do you think he wanted to choose at all? No. He wanted to be ordinary. He wanted to live an ordinary life. But he couldn't get that, could he? Couldn't even get to 42, could he?" The tears were falling down your cheeks as you were nearly chest to chest with the police officer. "Tell me, officer. Does that sound fair?" He straightened up, but you didn't give him the time to answer as you walked back over to Alan. You took in a deep breath, leaned down to kiss his cheek, said your final goodbye, and stormed out of the room, leaving everyone else awed and speechless.

The funeral was hell, mostly because there weren't many people there. The rest of the Enigma team, Alan's parents, and you. You spread dirt on his casket just like any other funeral and watched as he was lowered into the ground. Tears stained the casket but you quickly wiped them away, hoping nobody would notice. After most left, you stood there and just leant against a nearby tree, your eyes closed and your head leant back, silent tears falling down your face.

"Pity, I thought I left a bigger mark on the world." Your eyes snapped open. Alan. Of course, you had sense in knowing that he wasn't actually there, it was a spirit or maybe even a hallucination, but it was the closest you'd get for a long long time.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure it's done." You smiled weakly, only to see Alan smile fully and actually start laughing. He was happy where he was.

"I'm sorry for leaving you. And like that... I really am sorry."

"It's okay, Alan. I knew you weren't happy and if I was in the same situation as you I'd probably do the same. As long as you're happy now." You sighed as it started to rain. Typical.

"Promise me you'll live at least another 30 years before you get here."

"Yes, Alan. I promise." He nodded in approval, and you looked away for a moment as a noise from the men covering up the grave distracted you. When you looked back, he was gone. Again, typical. Always had been the dramatic type. You smile and lean your head back, taking in the rain as you began to walk home. One thing was for sure.

He left his mark on you.

And it would leave a pretty big scar.

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Alan whyyyyyyyyy. I was a sobbing mess at the end of this movie so I'd thought I'd write this yay!

Have a great day my lovelies xx