Sadness and Sunshine

chapter 4

Though I was somewhat happy, week ahead was hard for both of us. Frank got sicker and for the first time in a long time, my brain was back to its old ways. I felt like I didn't deserve Frank and that something would tear us apart. He didn't move much for a few days and though I was worried, I didn't feel like talking to him. On the second to last night before we were to go home, Frank was the worst I'd seen him. His eyes were sunken in, their color now a light gray. He was pale and cold to the touch. I was scared and angry. The one person that made me happy.

As I walked down the hall to Dr. Sheffield's office for what I hoped would be the last time, my head was a mixture of thoughts I didn't want to think.

Don't take Frank from me.

I don't want to stay here.

I'm tired of being alone. I deserve to be alone.

Before I went into Dr. Sheffield's office, I started to break down in tears. I was scared to leave Frank by himself. Much like before, I was terrified to be away from him in those times. Not much had changed, I just knew anything could happen to Frank. Though I still felt like I didn't deserve his friendship, his family still needed him. In the back of my mind, I knew I still needed him too.

I quickly dried my eyes and met my doom. I didn't feel like Dr. Sheffield really wanted me to leave, more like he wanted to up the treatment and keep me there as long as possible. He'd already cleared me and couldn't take that back, despite both of us knowing I wasn't where I needed to be mentally. I just wanted to have a quick talk and get out, but I knew that wasn't happening. Every question he asked from the minute I walked in was answered with a short 'yes' or 'no' and the occasional soft uncomfortable sound I made when he asked a question I found too personal. I knew he wasn't at all happy with it but I wasn't feeling well.

He knew it. I could see it all over his face. My eyes were red and puffy and my mind was on other things. Then he asked a very dreaded question.

"What will you do when Frank does eventually die? You know its going to happen."

I wanted to yell 'Maybe I'd just die with him' but I knew all too well that was the wrong answer. I sighed deeply, doing all I could to not cry again. My answer was simple: I don't know. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I only knew I couldn't take care of myself yet and I didn't want to burden Frank's family. It would all depend on how I felt after leaving the hospital.

Dr. Sheffield wrote something down on his clipboard and handed it to me.

"I've renewed your prescription," he said. "You know what to do, and I'll see you in the morning."

I shuffled out of the room, my feet dragging on the floor. Suddenly all around me I could smell Frank, like he was trying to comfort me. Instead of going to get my medicine, I went back to my room to see Frank. To my happiness, he was still there. His breathing was harsh but when I walked up to him, it evened out and he opened his eyes.

"Hey," he said, smiling a little bit. "Did you see your doctor?"

I sat on the edge of the bed and told him everything I could. Frank listened intently, nodding every so often but not saying much. He was breathing heavily and I tried to ignore it; I didn't want to think he was dying. He kept closing his eyes and swallowing hard, but I tried to act normal, hoping he was just tired.