Numb

Chapter 1: A Small Feeling

Unrealistic situations constantly play through my head. I turn everything into something it could never be and waste my life praying it won't. I replay these moments so frequently I no longer know what is true, and what I have imagined. I'm stuck in a fantasy of conversations that never took place, and friendships based on lies. But in that moment everything I felt was honest, and all I felt was fear. I had never been so scared in all of my life. I kept my eyes focused on the end of the bed, and tapped my foot in time to the tick of the clock. People came and left in a blur. I kept sitting there in the hospital chair unaware of anything other than her.

This whole situation has never made sense to me, and for that reason i began to trust it. Thats where my mistake lies, in trust. I trusted and now I've lost, she trusted and now shes gone. For months I felt nothing, now i feel numbness. The feeling of being numb is worse than emptiness or sorrow. Everything is there, i can touch it, i can breathe it, but i can not feel it. I'm not depressed, depression is a feeling, a mental illness. Theres nothing wrong with me, despite what you may judge. I'm perfectly fine. I cry because my eyes can feel, my eyes hold emotion, they cry because they see and they feel. But my heart, it has given up. Closed and locked, when it first filled with sorrow. Now those emotions have been bruised and batted and no longer work. Like my heart they have given up.

Anxiety overpowered my body that day, and i felt it. For months I lived in a body controlled by society, I was a human in a controlled testing area. Once i was sterile, society conducted their test. Throwing in anger, fear, happiness, sorrow, relief into the mixture, and observing the effects. By far happiness was the worst experiment. It fills your body, but once it wears off, it leaves you more empty than before. Now the effects were clear, the emotions filtered out of me, and i was thrown back into society's hands to live once again in the body i rented on an hourly rate of numbness.

People disregard my feeling of numbness. 'How can you love what you can't feel?' they mock what I entrust them with. Hatred, disgust, guilt, they all exist in me. I know they are there, they knock me down. It's okay that I'm numb, I have no highs nor lows, just stability. All the time. Like a barrier, it protects my already broken and locked heart. As all, though, I have a consuming weakness. I lose my safety, and my evil surfaces. An inanimate object strips me of my securities and subjects me to a panel of judges, each resembling a strange concoction of hope and despair in the form of demons that look strangely like me.

I didn't feel like this with her, her glowing yet pale skin brought out my tan and hid my defects her whilst perfect whitened smile made up for the lack of confidence confided within the jungle of teeth in my mouth. Mirrors worshiped us with complements, now they stare at my imperfections, and permanently scar my self esteem.

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.