Numb

chapter 8: a bunch of chemical imblances

authors note •
this chapter is really messy, needs a lot of editing and rewording. it's pretty emotionally raw, so please be aware it could be triggering to some individuals,
much love ••
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As the weeks passed I felt myself becoming more and more interested in Lauchie, we began to talk and spend time together, and i began to feel occasionally genuinely happy.

When he asked me to be his girlfriend I was confronted with a major moral dilemma. I wanted so desperately to assure him that I would be his, but I couldn't commit to him. the opinions once upheld by my parents which were instilled upon me had lingered more strictly than originally intended by them. I felt so much pressure to be the perfect child, to concentrate on school, get a university degree, then find the perfect man and settle down, I knew that was all in my head but I am living a constant emotional nightmare, and I am so so scared. I really wished I hadn't stirred the conversation, because if he ended up being the one, I would only be laughed at when he admits I was so scared of being with him.

of course I was unable to communicate anything other that not being allowed to see him, which wasn't untrue. it was the preference of my mother and whilst to her it wouldn't have been such a big deal, id blown it way out of proportion, and terrified myself assuming I would become a disappointment. all of my life I had lived in the shadow of my sister, she was no longer a part of my life. I had to fend for myself, I was supposed to be free from her influence, but I was being drowned by my own incompetence.

he became obsessed with understanding my life. I became so terrified of him discovering how messed up i am. our relationship was a hot topic and I was left grasping onto the memories I had of mum. Before her OCD became unbearable she was the perfect mum, but as soon as the psychologist told her how unwell she was, she herself became unbearable. she became depressed, angry, and made me feel so unimportant and unloved. I held on to the memories of her before she became ill, because she was only with us in physical form, everything pleasant about her had disappeared. secretly I know I feel obliged to uphold everything she believed. including focussing on school and not boys, but I couldn't tell him that. he would deem me as totally insane.

I would be lying if I said I had never thought of ending my life. but the over popularisation of suicide and the glorification of serious mental illnesses meant I would turn into another statistic teenage girls would use to attain attention. I couldn't bare the pain of loosing the people I loved, and putting anybody who did care about me through the same emotions would be enough to kill me a second time. Suicide isn't my answer but I sure think it would be an easier way out of this nightmare.

regrettably I decided I needed to push him and everyone else away, I'd turn into a living memory and when the time became right, id quietly slip away.
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