Numb

chapter 6: the start of the end

noah walked me home most afternoons, after his mother had calmed me down. i suppose those walks are what have kept me sane all this time. we spoke about everything in our lives. he wasnt afraid to tell me the truth, and eventually i was able to do the same.

id always wondered if i had a romantic interest for Noah. sometimes i wanted nothing more than to be by his side and other times i wished nothing more to be as far as humanly possible away from him. however i felt, I concluded he was just another boy in my life, who would leave soon enough. so i learnt to appreciate him.

he spoke of a girl he refused to name constantly. he was head over heals for her. i managed to convince myself it was me, and would push for more detail and emotions. i wish i hadnt. because when he finally told me it was the girl next door, i could barely contain my disappointment. i tried not to let him know how i felt. but im sure it was more than obvious. it started to pain me to see them together. i didnt feel sad or neglected. just anger, pure jealousy.

That jelousy boiled over one day, i screamed and cried to him. but my constant mess of emotions had created a barrier, he was unwilling to surpass the past. and allowed me to drown in it. slowly i felt as though my presence wasn't welcome within his household anymore. His girlfriend was now the centre of attention. Noah suddenly had 'extra curricular activities' to attend, his mother tried to coax me away from the corner. "for your own good" she told me. but that wasn't it at all. she just didn't want to deal with me anymore.

at home things weren't much better. i was sure I saw Natasha everywhere I was. i suppose her ghost didn't have to think about us, unless it wanted. and even then I felt she also built a barrier against my emotions. Dad tried his hardest to help me but even 6 years on, he struggled to hold a conversation at the dinner table.

every important relationship i had began to break down. even my cat couldnt stand my negative vibes anymore. something needed to change.

so on my way home from school, I found a peaceful road and rested the entirety of my body across the two lanes. and I let my mind rest

I opened my eyes to a women screaming profane phrases at me. I stood up, brushed myself off, and pretended I was invisible. As I started to walk away I heard her scream after me, 'do you know how close I was to nearly killing you?! you idiot' i turned my head enough to see her pale white face and yelled back, 'bad luck, try harder next time.'