Living without him

Six feet under the floor that we call 'ground'

I remember my brother. How he died that one day. 

We lived on this corner, trash cluttered everywhere. Our little 'house' that barely gripped to the ground hid out in some small bushy pines. One night we were playing in the front yard. Our parents were inside, doing 'grown up time'. That's what they told me. With sick smiles on their faces. Then they vanished and nocked us out into the yard. This neighborhood, is about as dangerous as living where I am now. Criminals at ever path, whores, twisted minds. People who were dropped when they were babies. People who would come and go. Shootings very frequent. Business and work men, selling. Just another day, just another night. A night that broke me. It will never heal, whatever is that is inside of me. Maybe a demon that just likes sitting there. Peeking his eyes threw my ribs. Tearing away, picking off the scabes on my heart. My brother stepped out to far into the street. I was five. I chased after him, since we were playing tag. Both smiling and laughing. 

A car came out of control. It turned quickly, to close to my brother.

To close.

I remember seeing his brown eyes shine from the head lights. His beautiful eyes. 

Seeing his back face the car. Seeing how he tried to turn away. He tried. He really did try. 

My heart would, and never will work again like it should. 

The car just drove away, didn't stop. 

A huge bump on the road. Hearing the bones crack, the heart being squeezed to the pulp. 

I just threw myself on the street.

Already in tears, his head laid on my lap. I cryed so hard my eyes started swelling.

My brothers blood all over me. He looked after me. He loved me like a brother should. I always love him.

Hardly ever fought, we were just alike. 

The cutting edge of the bumber taking away a soul. A soul that dreamed, dream for hours. 

A sick way to die. The windows were tinted. So even when I wanted to kill that thing, I couldn't have known his face. Didn't get his license. I was five years old. How was I supposed to react? 

Best friends. . .

Mommy and daddy didn't come out till I dragged my poor brother into the grass. Ran inside, my dad yelled at me for doing so. But after telling them what happened. He pushed me aside. 

Maybe the grass blades were to sharp. On our bare feet.

Yells and screams. Dad blamming me. Mom also.

Caught up in the moments of the ashes. 

It was a tough year for me. Sound selfish but it was. My brother was everything to me. I miss him.

He was my hope, my hero. . .

Knowing I'll be there

Soon

Just thinking of him exploring the world. Having fun. Laughing. Being himself.

Not being scared 

When I had his weightless body. For those few seconds. My life jumped off a cliff. 

Who am I supposed to even be?

I should have been the one being the speed bump.

I should have been the one.

His brown eyes that shined so bright in the headlights.

Jeremiah, how I ever so greatly miss you.

I'll be there with you one day.

Hang in there bro.