Copnapped

19

Erin wept, as soon as she came home from her psychologist appointment. That's what she did, while other people were out saving lives and being social, Erin Lindsay fell to her knees and she wept. It was like nothing she had ever felt before, it started in her gut, tightening it until she felt sick as tears streamed out of her eyes like a heavy rain pour. She lay face down against the floor, the carpet damp beneath her face as she sobbed into the flooring. Her whole body ached, she felt a mixture of regret and guilt mixed with fear and outright sadness.

She wanted to be able to get past all this, she wanted to scream but her voice was trapped inside her too afraid to come out. Her fists balled up and started beating at the ground, she punched and punched until her hands started to swell up. Her face was aching from all the crying, she felt drained, dehydrated and stupid absolutely stupid. If she couldn't even love herself how could anyone else love her? She had told Kelly it was over just days before, she couldn't do it anymore. Things just couldn't go on the way they were, the old Erin would have never ended a relationship via text message, but somehow the new Erin didn't feel so bad about it.

She didn't undress as she stepped in under the shower flow, she stood there facing the shower's door and cried amongst the flowing water, it felt like on a scale of 1 to 10, she would be a 0. It was like someone had decided to surgically remove every part of her that had ever felt even slightly happy or satisfied with life, she wasn't suicidal but she didn't exactly love her life either. Voight wasn't going to be home for hours, he'd taken on a new case the day before, all the team were back in motion even Jay, although he was put on desk duty it was still back to work and he was over the moon about that, which is why she felt bad about him sleeping over, why should he be kept awake at night listening to her scream? She'd noticed the bags under his eyes, he wasn't sleeping and she felt bad about that. All she wanted was for everything to be okay again but judging by the feeling in her chest, that wasn't going to happen and that just made her feel worse.

By the time Jay knocked on the front door, she'd already dried herself off and had changed into new clothes. He had not come empty handed, she was grateful for the food, despite her appetite being only small. He kissed her on the cheek, he did that now. Sometimes even with Voight in the room, it was strange, yet oddly comforting to know that Voight wasn't going to throw him out the window for it.

They sat down for dinner, the pair of them sitting opposite each other at Voight's kitchen table, it was funny to Erin considering how Voight was 100% against the pair of them dating months ago and here they were eating dinner alone together in Voight's own house. Not that they were dating, it was nothing official.

"It's good to be back at work, although it feels a bit off without having you sitting across from me." Jay told her between mouthfuls of spring rolls. She smiled, she missed that too. "Ruzek tried to steal your chair but I told him off." Jay laughed as he began retelling the story. Erin watched him as he spoke, the little crinkles by his eyes when he laughed, the way his lips curled upward when he stopped to smile at her between words, it melted her heart. She leaned over and pressed her lips against his, he immediately stopped talking then as their lips moved against each others, Erin sat herself atop of his lap, his good hand cupped the side of her face as they rocked back and forth, she was the first to break away, closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his. He left her for a moment, they sat there in beautiful silence, his hand still caressing the side of her cheek. Erin bit down on her lip, thinking about what she'd just done.

"What was that for?" Jay whispered, their eyes still closed, foreheads still connected.

"I wanted to shut you up." She whispered back, Jay slowly opened his eyes. It had been so long since he'd heard her voice but he knew better than to mention that, he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

"It worked." He answered softly, leaning in for another kiss. She pressed her finger against his lips and pulled herself away, he wasn't getting it that easily. She thought to herself, climbing off of his lap she made her way back to her dinner, feeding herself again like it had never happened. Jay shook his head, now that was the Erin he remembered.

The pair were entangled in Erin's bed by the Time Voight arrived home, they had fallen asleep hours ago when Erin listened to the beats of Jay's heart, and he told her about some of the baked goods people at work had brought in for his first day back, she hadn't been paying attention to anything other than his closeness, but it was sure nice to hear the sound of his voice. Voight opened the bedroom door, he liked to check on the pair of them just to make sure that Halstead was keeping his hands to himself, he paused in the doorway glancing at their embrace, Erin was the one draped over Jay, she was the one controlling their touches. Voight was secretly glad. He didn't like them together, but at least she was the one initiating it all. He closed the door behind him and trotted off to his own bedroom. Beside his bed sat a photograph, one of the last pictures taken of him and his late wife, he stared down at the picture and sighed, sometimes he wished he still had someone to talk to about all of this, someone to share it all with, but he didn't and that's just the way it was.