Tooth, the Whole Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

6: The Cup and the Flying Saucer

"You moved planets?" I asked, frowning.

"Yes," she said.

"Right," I said.

"Right," she said.

"You moved planets," I said.

"You said that," she said.

"Right," I said.

"You said that too," she said.

I shut up. I needed a drink. I normally drink alcohol about twice a year - my birthday and over Christmas (if you ignore on holiday and anniversaries and such like). Because of this, I don't normally have alcohol in the house. This wasn't normally, though. Not that it mattered, I didn't have any, anyway.

I put the kettle on.

While I was making a fresh drink (for the both of us, I guessed that Beryl wouldn't say no) I thought about what the Mastodon had just said.

They moved planets. They just upped and left. Got tired of good old Earth and moved. 'D'ya know, chuck, I'm bored with it round 'ere. Where d'ya fancy moving to?' 'Well, love, I quite like the look of that planet up there.' 'Which one's that then?' 'Up there, just above that bright star thingy...' Was I losing it? Whatever. I could live with that. I was just about to say 'You moved planets,' when I remembered that I'd just said that. I passed Beryl her mug of tea and sat down.

"Right," I said, before I realised what I'd just said. "Why didn't you go too?"

"You know that already," she said, throwing the hot tea down her throat without pausing. I wondered briefly if she could say the alphabet whilst drinking a glass of water. "I wanted my tooth back. I could maybe have got by, but there's no such thing as a dinosaur dentist. You wouldn't find anyone willing to put their trunk in a tyrannosaur's mouth for a start. They're not really that bad, as long as you don't upset them, but still, sharp teeth are sharp teeth. So I had to hang around for you humans to come along. It took a little longer than I thought, that's all."

Just a little.

"So, how did you, er... move planets, then?" I mean, come on. These were dinosaurs. Dumb animals could beat them in a test. Okay, so this dinosaur could talk, but that wasn't important. How could a planetfull of lizards just nip off when they felt like it?

Beryl laughed. I couldn't see what was so funny.

"We built a space ship, of course!"

Of course.

"Dinosaurs aren't as thick and stupid as you humans seem to think. Okay, so some of us are a bit slow, but that's not the same thing. What you think was an asteroid hit causing a big cloud was really the blast of the ship leaving. It had to be big enough to take everyone, so it made a bit of a mess when it went. That's why I was hiding, and how I missed the volcano erupting and burying my tooth. The rest you know."

"The rest I know," I repeated.

"You're repeating again," said Beryl.

"Sorry," I apologised. I didn't know what response she expected exactly. She had just told me that the dinosaurs had not died out and become extinct, they'd just got bored. It was a bit much to take in. A thought occurred to me, or rather just managed to surface in the whirlpool that had replaced my head. "Do you mean to say that you were expecting humans?"

"Yes, of course," Beryl said. She had this way of answering me as if I should already know that was a little irritating.

"Well, how come?" I wanted to know. "Where did we come from, and how did you know?"

"Sugar and spice and all that," she answered.

I blinked. "What?"

"Never mind," she said with a sigh. "You don't really want to know anyway."

Something in her tone of voice made me think that she was right - I didn't really want to know. Her crack about sugar and spice had stirred unpleasant thoughts deep down, and I preferred they didn't surface. I changed the subject.

"Where did they all go?"

"Have you read Peter Pan?" asked Beryl.

Huh? I thought.

"Huh?" I said.

"Well, where is Neverland?"

"Neverland? Er..." That was like asking me about an ordinary, everyday book after just giving me some mind-blowing news. Oh, actually that was what was really happening. I had to get a grip. "Neverland was second star on the left and straight on till morning." Everyone knew that.

"That's were the dinosaurs went."

"To Neverland?" This was getting rather difficult to get my head around.

"No, silly," Beryl laughed. "But close enough. It's the third star on the right, and straight on till about three o'clock, then left and first right. You can't miss it. That's if you start at about lunch time. If you see a white dwarf star, you know you've gone too far."

Where else would it be?

"How do you know all this, if you were left behind?" I wondered if the Mastodon was having me on.

"Just because I didn't go, doesn't mean I haven't been in touch with them. How else am I supposed to let them know I'm ready to go?"

I realised why she had returned.

"You want my help to reach your friends so you can go to their planet." I smiled. She wanted to phone home!

"I said I've already been in touch, didn't I? That's not what I want at all." Beryl shook her head. "You've got to stop thinking in terms of all those science fiction films you've seen. What I want is a base for my ship to land in."

It took a few moments for me to notice that my mouth had fallen open. I shut it. "You want to land a space ship on my house? Don't you think that might do a little damage?" Repairing that would cost a bit more than the door frame, that was for sure.

"You're silly," Beryl laughed. I was glad someone was enjoying this. "I don't want to land it on your house, just in your back garden, that's all."

Oh, that was all right then.

"In my back garden? Don't you think it might get noticed?" My neighbours were not that nosy really, but a flying saucer in my garden might just raise their interest more than I'd like.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Beryl assured me. "Nobody will notice a thing. Is it alright with you, then?"

What could I say. "Sure, why not," I said.

"Right, then. I'll contact them first thing in the morning. It'll take a couple of days for them to get the ship ready and on its way, and if I'm ready to go at about lunch time on Thursday, I should miss the traffic through Orion's Belt."

"Very wise," I agreed. I must have been getting used to all this.