Tooth, the Whole Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth

2: Fancy a Cuppa?

I missed the cup with the kettle and jumped back to avoid the splash of boiling water. "Thousand years?"

"Oh, yes," said Beryl casually. "I would have done it sooner, but I just didn't get the chance. It's amazing how fast the time goes by, you know."

"Er... just how old are you," I asked slowly.

"I'm not sure, really. I think I've just celebrated my two millionth birthday, or around that anyway. You lose count after the first ten or so," she said.

"First ten or so?"

"Thousand," she said.

"Of course," I said. If she could accept being about as old as the human race, I guessed I could too. Strange things happened in dreams, and they're not all to be taken literally, although what this dream might mean was beyond me. Oh, well.

"What brings you to this neck of the woods, then?" I asked.

"I believe you have something of mine," Beryl said. "I was wondering if you'd mind terribly if I had it back."

Call me an idiot if you like, but I had no idea what this elephant was on about.

"Oh?" I said.

At this, the elephant opened her mouth wide. I looked in, but could see nothing out of the ordinary (apart from the fact that I was looking in the mouth of a two million year old hairy elephant, that is).

"I don't understand," I told her. "What could I have that could possibly belong to you?"

Beryl opened her mouth again, and this time gestured with her trunk. "Er, oo shee?" she asked.

I looked closer at where she was pointing. All I could see was a gap in her teeth. "You've a tooth missing," I pointed out.

Beryl closed her mouth. "That's right. Could I have it please?"

Then it twigged.

My birthday present.

That Mastodon tooth had been on my bookcase for so long, I no longer even saw it (but then, the bookcase didn't see a duster very often either, so that might explain it). I remembered something else, too. This was from my school days. The Mastodon was the forerunner to the elephant. Beryl wasn't an elephant at all. She was a Mastodon. I felt rather silly.

"Hold on," I said, and went into the living room (having climbed over Beryl first ("Oh, that tickles")). The tooth was on the bookcase, exactly where I had placed it so reverently. I picked it up and took it into the kitchen.

"It's not in very good condition, I'm afraid," I pointed out, handing it over.

Beryl took it, examining it closely. "No, I don't suppose it is," she said. "But then, it has been in the ground for quite a while."

That was like saying Everest was a big hill, I thought.

"What do you want with it?" I asked.

"Well, I was having my breakfast, when one of those stupid stegosaurs made me jump. I never could abide them. They had no sense of etiquette. Anyway, I accidentally bit on a rock, and my tooth broke off. Do you know what it's like eating with a missing tooth? Food keeps getting caught in the gap, and I can't help sticking my tongue in the hole. Ugh." Beryl shuddered. My tea, which was on the table, splashed on my hand.

"Ouch," I said.

"I'm sorry," said Beryl. "It just goes through me thinking about it. I was too old to grow any more teeth, so I thought I could put this one back in somehow. I've been waiting for it to be dug up for all this time. The local volcano erupted while I was asleep, so I couldn't get it back. When I did manage to return to the area, it was covered in lava, so I had to leave it. I kept going back, in the hope that it would become uncovered, when a group of you enterprising humans dug it up for me. Unfortunately, me being so big, and supposedly extinct, I couldn't really show myself and say 'Do you mind if I have my tooth back', now could I?"

I decided not to mention the fact that this was exactly what she was doing. I thought for a moment. I couldn't resist the chance. While Beryl was here, I may as well solve one of the biggest mysteries of the world, now hadn't I?

"If you don't mind me asking," I said, "what exactly happened to all the dinosaurs, and how come you're still alive?"

Beryl frowned (which is quite a funny expression on an elephant (or a mastodon)). "I'm not sure," she said. I was certain I could hear a hint of regret in her voice. "I was trapped for a while after the eruption, and when I managed to get out, I was all alone. All I can really remember is that it was cloudy. As for me still being alive, I can't be bothered not to be."

This posed certain other issues, but I was having trouble getting my head round them, so...

"Let me get this straight," I said, changing the subject. "You actually intend on re-using the tooth?" This was, I was sure, a joke. Beryl seemed to have certain standards, and the tooth had been buried in the ground for most of the history of mankind. It was well past its sell by date.

"Why, yes," Beryl responded.

"Oh," I said. Oh, well.

"This gap has bugged me for long enough. It's alright for you. You can use a knife and fork to help you eat. I have to just throw my food in and hope for the best."

"Ok, ok," I said, anxious for her to stay calm. "How do you propose to make it stay in place?" I asked.

"Well, I was hoping you could help me there." She passed her cup to me, and I refilled it again. I noticed her eyeing the empty biscuit tin, so I brought a packet of digestives out and handed them over. Beryl looked at them in my hand. "I don't suppose you could open them for me?" she asked.

Oops.

I quickly tore the top off the packet and emptied it into the tin. I may as well have poured them straight into her mouth, because that was what she did, again. I sighed. She belched.

"Pardon," she said.

Hmmm, I thought.

"If I can help, I will," I told her.

"I know that you humans have fake teeth sometimes." She giggled at this. I assumed she thought it amusing. I told her that they were false teeth, not fake teeth. She couldn't see the difference, so I decided not to pursue the matter. "I thought I might try the glue stuff that you use to keep these, er... dentures in place."

"Why not," I said. "It's worth a try."

"Good," she said. "Do you have any?"

I didn't, not having fake er... false teeth. "I can get some tomorrow," I said.

"Wonderful," Beryl said. "Then I'll be on my way."

"Do you mind if I go back to bed, now" I asked. I knew I was dreaming, but it was a fairly tiring dream.

"Of course not," she said. "You know, some of the people I've visited while I've been looking for my tooth actually thought this was all a dream!" She laughed. The glass in the kitchen window shook. I blinked.

"Fancy that, " I said.