Find Me A Reason

07. A Broken Heart

'I'm sorry, I really am. Like... I wanted to come and see you, I just wasn't sure if you wanted me, or if I had anything to say and then it was just really easy to convince myself that you didn't want to see me and then well... Then I guess I convinced myself that what I was doing was okay' Rachel Montgomery stared at her closest friend, her stomach churning with anxiety.

'Why do you guys seem to be so good at making this about you? I honestly don't even care' Millar shrugged her shoulders like Rachel had forgotten to bring her a drink from the cafe when she had promised she would.

'Because you never want to make it about you Mils. You don't care about anything these days, so maybe if we show you how bad we truly feel, maybe you'll get annoyed, angry, anything but you'll be caring. Maybe not about you, maybe about you, caring is caring and that is good enough for me' Rachel blew her fringe out of her eyes and took a mental note to get it cut after she left the hospital.

Millar stared at Rachel, not saying a word. She delved back into the memories the two of them shared, from back in primary school, until the incident. They had shared heart ache, job woes, parent issues and everything else. This was just another thing to add on to the list.

'You know I don't like hospital's Millar. I tried to come the day after but it just, it brought back the memories. And you know what that's like now, so don't you try and tell me that I should have worked through it because it's not that easy and you know it' Rachel fought against the tears as she remembered the last time she was in this place.

'It's been two years now Rach... if it isn't better by now, it probably won't be. And typically, the hospital is going to be a place you will have to frequent over the years you are alive. And I'm assuming you might have a few of those. Unless you get run over by the bus in next year or so' 

Rachel had avoided the hospital for the past two years since her sister had passed away. She had been fourteen, and the girls eighteen, when Lisa had taken her last breath. But it had been so different then, and that was part of what made it so hard for Rachel to see her best friend in this situation.

'I heard your catch up with Sienna didn't go so well?' Rachel avoided the topic of her late sister as often as she could.

'Yup. Didn't want to see her anyway'

'Is that how you're going to speak of me when I leave this room?'

'That depends. If you're a bitch whilst you are here then yes, if not, the maybe not' Millar's honesty felt a little cold to Rachel. Both of them had dealt with anxiety in high school which gave them a tendency to sugar coat things and go with the nicer option of telling someone the truth. But this was different, a different side of Millar than Rachel was used to.

'You've changed'

'No fucking way. Tell me more!'

'Why are you doing this Millar? You're being a bitch' Rachel's voice wavered, she never had been good with confrontation and also tended to avoid it when possible.

'Because I hate this. Everything. I think it gives me reason enough to be a so called bitch'

'So you want everybody to hate you? To hate the thought of you even when you are dead?'

'I'll be dead so what does it matter what people think of me?'

'Have you ever stopped to think about how it might make others feel? When you are like this, even when and if you succeed at killing yourself? Have you ever stopped being selfish to think of others? Even once?' Rachel blurted out angrily, the whole situation biting away at her.

'No'

'Well you should. Because the way you are feeling now? In pain, wanting them back, you're just going to inflict that on more people. And again on the people you are related to, and know both you and your family. Are you really going to be that selfish and take your own life, when you are here, physically healthy, and able to live!?' Millar knew Rachel was referring to her sister, how could she not when Millar wanted to take her own life, and Lisa didn't have an option in hers.