The Hip-Hobbit:A Surprising side quest

The Hip-Hobbit: A Surprising Side Quest

Parody by Jacob F Rosenberg

Based on the Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien

It began long ago the Internet was king but swords and sorcery were still prevalent. The Dank Lord Sour-Mon wanted vengeance on the world. So he enacted a plan. First he sent out a virus that brought nine kings of men to his side. But before he could continue his plan, his source of power the on Bling. Was stolen from him. Sour-Mon would spend decades of planning and preparing. Until the Bling was recovered by the wizard Dumbledalf. The Fellowship of the Bling was formed to destroy Sour-Mons source of power. Sour-Mon unleashed his army and an epic tale unfolded. In the end Yolo Swaggins destroyed the Bling and Sour-Mon was defeated. The world was finally at peace. So for a reward Yolo and his formerly transgender now crippled uncle Hobo. Have been invited on a six month cruise on the Elven cruise liner the S.S Edmund Titanic Hindenburg Fitzgerald.

Last we saw our heroes the ship had just departed from port leaving Dumbledalf, Murray, Pimpin and Sam behind. Hobo and Yolo joined a conga line with Hobo in front and Yolo pushing him. The ship was full of interesting people not just elves. The conga line sung. "Conga,conga,conga!" Come on Hobo you got to kick your legs up at that part! Said Yolo. Lad you know I'm paralyzed. Said Hobo. Yeah but you could lift your legs, like this. Yolo brought up of Hobos' legs but his slipper came off and hit someone. Sorry I'll go get that said Yolo, were leaving the line guys. It's okay all good you can come back anytime said one elf. Yeah we're gonna set a six month conga record. Oh, well good luck with that. Yolo pushed Hobo to the side and got his slipper. Here it is said Yolo, apparently it hit some guy in the leg. Hobo sighed. What's wrong? I used to be so active, now I'm reduced to this. Said Hobo. Well not really, when you were a woman you just stayed at the house. Said Yolo. I mean before all that! Said Hobo. If you're referring to the incident with the dragon Dumbledalf says he was barely involved. Barely involved? Said Hobo, that's a load of bull he's the whole reason I was even a part of it! What do you mean? Said Yolo. Here's how it went.

Hobo was sitting under his cardboard box smoking. Dumbledalf walked up to Hobo and made the smoke fly back into Hobos face. Hobo looked at him " Good morning to you in Jersey Shire" what do you mean said Dumbledalf, is it good because it's in jersey Shire or Jersey Shire is good because it's morning? The second one I guess said Hobo, there does seem to be less crime during the day. Why are you out here? Said Dumbledalf. Well I sorta gambled away my money so now I've been homeless for quite a while. Hobo Swaggins I know you've been squatting in your family home said Dumbledalf, seems a little dishonest to take handouts when you have food and a roof over your head. Hobo looked stunned. I don't think you have the right person. Well since I know your name you may as well know mine, I'm Dumbledalf. Oh Dumbledalf the grey who makes fireworks? Well the fireworks was a one time incident. What do you mean? Well I used to "cook" with this guy named Jesse and one day I went outside the trailer to take a whiz said Dumbledalf, when suddenly the trailer exploded and put on one heck of a light show. Well that's unfortunate. Yes I've never been so traumatized and bewildered in my life. Well I'll be leaving now said Hobo. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure. What kind of adventure? The epic and profitable kind said Dumbledalf. I'll think about it said Hobo. He entered his home and Dumbledalf put the homeless symbol for food on Hobos' door. That night Hobo went into the family pantry and got dinner. Good thing the Swaggins stocked this place full of food to last said Hobo. As Hobo sat down his Law and order doorbell went off. Who could that be? Hobo answered his front door and there stood a dwarf almost size of a regular man. He was bald and spoke with a low Nordic accent. I am Drawin and I heard this is where the food is. Drawin pushed Hobo aside as he escorted himself to the table. Hobo saw a pencil almost as big as Drawin on his back knocking over plates on a shelf. So Drawin are named that because of the pencil? My father pressured me to be an artist said Drawin,but it turns out I really like killing things. Oh, that's interesting. I still draw things though said Drawin, take a look at this. Oh it's you on a rock in a rose field said Hobo, that's neat. That's a troll and those aren't roses laddy. Oh. The Law and order doorbell went went off. Hobo went for the door. Please be someone less crazy said Hobo. Hobo opened the door and a dwarf slightly shorter than Hobo stood there. He had white hairs and a large nose. Baller senior, pleased to meet you. Yes nice to meet you said Hobo, I'm curious why you're here. I was told there would be food said Baller, oh Drawin you're here! Baller walked over to Drawin. Brother, how are you? I'm fine. They then head butted. Good thing dwarves have strong foreheads so that we can greet each other like that said Drawin. Yes otherwise that would've hurt a lot. A single tear went down Ballers face. Let's go raid the pantry said Drawin. They went into the pantry and stacked food on their plates. Hobo stared from the doorway. Not that I don't mind guests but I'd prefer that they didn't barge in and eat my food said Hobo. But we were told there'd be food said Baller. By who? Dumbledalf. Fine I'll talk with him when I see him again but just don't eat too much said Hobo. Don't worry we won't eat too much said Baller. Remember Clogger is coming though said Drawin. Well aside from him we'll only eat what we can handle. Ballers jaw then unhinged like a snake and swallowed a loaf of bread whole. You said "Clogger" said Hobo, how many are coming? Everyone said Baller. How much is everyone? Said Hobo. Hobos Law and order doorbell then went off. Hobo went to the door. Please tell me it's not more dwarves! Said Hobo as he opened the door. Fraid not said a dwarf. Hobo sighed. I'm Touchy. I'm Feely. And we have a reputation of making people uncomfortable. The two dwarves appeared to be twins but Touchy didn't have a beard. They handed Hobo their weapons pushed passed Hobo and joined the other dwarves at the table. Hobo was going to stop them but his doorbell went off. Hobo ran to the door. Get out of here you annoying savages! Yelled Hobo. But it was just Fred the post guy. Fine then you don't deserve my service. No Fred wait. But he was already gone. Hobo closed the door but then the doorbell went off. I shouldn't answer the door but I think we're well beyond that point. When he opened the door dwarves had piled against the door and fell into the entryway. Dumbledalf looked in the doorway. Hello again. back on the cruise ship. So wait when Fred left in five seconds they all were able to pile against the door. Said Yolo, how is that possible? I don't know even to this day said Hobo, but anyway it was scary because dwarves had invaded my home. So I figured I may as well talk to my potential murderers. "Hobo was walking around his house in panic as dwarves went through his house. One came up to him. Hi I'm Dory. Um hi I'm Hobo. The dwarf walked away. Why are you all here in my house? Said Hobo. One dwarf just stared at him. Well I think I deserve an explanation! Said Hobo. Don't waste your time said Dumbledalf as he walked over, that's Owen he's 90% deaf. Oh now I feel bad said Hobo, hey wait a minute you had no right to let these dwarves into my house! A dwarf with a tray walked between them. Excuse me Dumbledalf you want wine? Just tea Story. Story is his name? asked Hobo. Yes back in the days of Errorbor he was the King's speech writer. Dory came between them. Hi I'm Dory. Yes I know you told me. Said Hobo. He went away. And that's Story's brother said Dumbledalf, the third brother is Dopey. Dopey was hovering over Drawin at the table with a permanent happy face. Hobo went to the pantry and saw a large dwarf carry three cheese wheels. Whoa you want a cheese knife? Said Hobo. No lad that's clogger he won't need a cheese knife said a dwarf, with silverware he'll just hurt himself. Who are you? Asked Hobo. They call me Bummer because I tend to be... a bit negative. Well that seems stereotypical said Hobo. Oh yeah, well your house is tacky and I'm gonna steal one of your cheese knives. Bummer walked away but another dwarf with a black scraggly beard came up to him. His breath smelled of alcohol and you could barely understand him. "Where'syacrapperineedtodumpalog" um sorry I don't want any. Said Hobo. Dumbledalf was in the next room and hit his head on a chandelier. He counted off to see if all the dwarves were present. Let's see Owen,Touchy,Feely,Baller,Drawin,Dory,Dopey, Bummer. Story came up to him. Here's your tea. Dumbledalf took one sip. Oh that's right said Dumbledalf, I forgot I hate tea. He threw the tea over his shoulder and Bummer slipped. Dumbledalf kept counting. Story, Clogger...hmm where's Glowing and Drinka? Here we are said a dwarf. The dwarf had an orange beard with four glow sticks braided into his beard. I caught Drinka taking a dump in the neighbor's bird bath. Said Glowing. Drinka smiled " hehe tweet tweet". Well at least that's everyone but we're still missing one said Dumbledalf. Hobo went up to Dumbledalf. Can I speak with you for a moment? They went into the hallway outside the kitchen. This is getting out of hand said Hobo, my house is being ransacked by dwarves and one of them absolutely punished my plumbing. They don't call him Clogger for nothing said Dumbledalf. My pantry has been pillaged not one crumb left said Hobo, my family had years worth of food in there. Hobo we both know that pantry didn't start out with that much said Dumbledalf. What do you mean? Asked Hobo. You weren't picked out by random Hobo Swaggins, said Dumbledalf, our quest needs someone with your talents. Hobo did not meet Dumbledalfs' gaze and he looked to the floor. I don't know what you're talking about said Hobo. But before Dumbledalf could say more a plate flew thru the air like a frisbee between them. Feely caught the plate in the hall then threw it into the kitchen. Hobo rushed over to them in the kitchen. The dwarves were tossing plates everywhere and eventually ending up in the sink. Plates smashed into everything, it would've been impressive had it been well choreographed but the dwarves were breaking everything. You guys are ruining my plates said Hobo, this is getting out of hand! Oh you hear that lads he says the party is getting out of hand said Bummer, looks like he's never been to a dwarven party before. Please don't tell me it gets worse said Hobo. Fraid so said Baller. (Sigh) How does a dwarven party go Hobo said glumly. Let's tell em lads! Said Drawin. The dwarves sang and it started with Feely and Bummer then everyone joined in. "Blunts and knives, bend a stork, get smashed with beavers, fight some dorcs, trip on acid, smash a plate. That sounds like a party mates! Drunk on broth, get really fat, accidentally punt the neighbors cat, pour some milk on the dance floooor...RUN into every single door! After a dump clog the toilet bowl, break it up with that's unction pole, and when you've finished and it is whole, send it down the hall to roll! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PARTY MATES!" Everyone stacked their plates (or rather what was left of them) in the center of the table. Owen kept singing until Clogger nudged Owens shoulder. Dory went up to Hobo. Hi I'm Dory. I know! Said Hobo, what's your deal?! Don't mind him said Story, My brother used to be a boxer back in the day but got a few too many shots to the head. So why'd you nickname him Dory? He has some memory issues. Over there is Dopey he's a little...different said Story. Dopeys head did a 180 degree turn to Hobo. His head came back around and he looked at some photos. The Law and order doorbell went off and everyone was silent. He's here said Dumbledalf. Everyone gathered at the front door and Hobo answered it. There stood a dwarf with black hair and a black fur coat but the oddest thing about him seemed to be a small cactus that was embedded onto his forearm. Dumbledalf introduced him. This is the leader of our group. I thought you said follow the yellow brick road said the dwarf, I only found this place because of the noise. Yeah you don't want to follow that one said Hobo, that road leads to the west side of Jersey Shire and trust me you don't want to be there at night said Hobo. Three gunshots and police sirens echoed from west side. I should let you in said Hobo. The dwarf hugged the others. He's Oak Thorn-Shield said Dumbledalf. Oak? Chuckled Hobo, what's his brothers name Maple? No that'd be silly chuckled Drawin, that's his cousin. Oak turned to Hobo. But who are you to judge me? Said Oak, how many dorcs have you slain? Um, what? Said Hobo. What is your weapon specialty? Asked Oak. I don't have a weapon said Hobo. Well then please don't mock because if you do I won't need a weapon said Oak. Hobo stood there blankly. Now then lads let's go into the next room to plan said Oak, we'll give this one time to change his trousers. They sat in the back room with everyone at the table. Good to see everyone here. Said Oak at the head of the table. Yes but our numbers are few said Baller. That is precisely why we need to plan said Dumbledalf. First order of business said Oak, how do we get into Errorbor? The front gate is covered in rubble said Baller, there's no way into the mountain. That's not entirely true said Dumbledalf. Dumbledalf brought out a silver object from his robe. He pressed a button and it formed a forked blade made of pure energy. A sword? Said Owen. Technically it's a key said Dumbledalf. A sword key? Said Clogger. Look it can't be both said Glowing, it's either a sword or a key! Well maybe it's a key all the time but when you stick it into people it unlocks their death. Said Feely. Enough! Yelled Oak as he stood up. He sat back down. Where'd you find this? Said Oak. Amazon had a sale that day said Dumbledalf. So step one is complete said Oak, we have what may or may not be a weapon to help us get into the city. Step two is the hard part said Baller, we have to deal...with Daug. Everyone at the table looked nervous. Hobo overheard them. Excuse me said Hobo, who's Daug? That would be a reference to Daug the rapper said Bummer, he's a flaming Drake of the North. Drake, what like the rapper? Said Hobo. Well he is a rapper it's just that he's powerful enough to burn villages and pillage Errorbor. Said Bummer. Well isn't that neat. Hobo then went on his phone. Touchy stood up. I will kill that dragon by ripping out its heart with my bare hands! Alright calm down there Beowulf said Dumbledalf, dragons aren't exactly an easy thing to kill. He lit his pipe to smoke. Story spoke. If we work together we can do it besides we have a wizard in our party he's probably killed hundreds of dragons. Dumbledalf coughed. Hm, yes I totally have said Dumbledalf, I even killed Alduin. The group was reassured. Drawin spoke up. Hey wait isn't that from a video game? Oh yes silly me said Dumbledalf, well I once killed the Arch Demon that took the form of a dragon. Oak glared at him. That's still a video game. Okay, okay one time I sat under a Tum Tum tree when a dragon burbled up to me said Dumbledalf, so I used my vorpal blade to behead it. The group looked at each other to see if he was telling the truth. Baller then spoke. That's from a poem. Damn! Thought that would be too obscure for anyone to know! Said Dumbledalf.