Recovery-Sequel to Burn and America(Captain America FanFic) [DISCONTINUED]

Chapter 4

The room wasn't bad.

Actually, it was quite nice, for a Midgardian room. Loki covered his eyes as he lay on the simple, full sized bed.

He rolled over, and crashed to the floor. "Ugh!" He yelled, standing indignantly. "Typical useless Midgardian trash." He spluttered, straightening his leather attire.

There wasn't a window, just a few bare bulbs in the room, giving the room a generally dark feel, but Loki didn't mind. After all, thats what he was, right?

He was dark.

He was evil.

He was the monster that parents warned their children about at night.

He was a nightmare.

A monster.

He groaned and sat down in a chair, holding his head in his hands. 

He had failed.

Again. 

But maybe he was right, that man from two years ago, Agent Coulson was he? Maybe the Midgardian was right. Maybe he lacked conviction, and that was why he had never won.

Or maybe it was because he didn't want to win.

The realization brought Loki's head out of his hands, eyes wide in surprise. He didn't want to win? He didn't want the throne?

No. When he had tried to take over Asgard, he had been trying to prove a point. Been trying to prove to Odin and Thor that he was just as good as Thor. 

Same went for what happened in New York two years ago.

But this time was different. He... Hadn't really tried, as vain as it sounded. It was like he was following a routine. Try to take over a world or two, have plans foiled. Repeat. 

But why? Why did he feel the need to compulsively try to rule these obviously unwilling Midgardians? Did it bring him pleasure to watch others suffer.

Well, yes. At least, it did, the first and second times he had tried. When he was so deep in his emotions of jealousy, anger, and bitterness, he had spread these feelings upon others, like a disease. He had caused tragedy and misery wherever he had gone, and it had given him pleasure, knowing others knew how he felt.

He WAS a monster, just like Agent Romanoff had told him from the other side of a glass wall two years ago.  

The realization, the second one this day, hit him hard, like an emotional body slam, and he was still trying to recover.

He was a monster. He had made himself into one. He WAS one. 

Frustration welled up inside him, replacing the anger and horror he had felt before. He flipped the table over, screaming in frustration, banging a clenched fist against the hard walls. The wall never even bent to his will.

The Man of Iron must have built these cells to hold a god like him.

He smiled sadly at the thought. 

What was the use of trying to show them that he wanted to change? 

They'd still remember what he had done, the mistakes he had made, the people he had killed. 

Tony Stark would always remember how he had trashed his tower and thrown him out a building;

Dr. Banner would remember him provoking the beast inside of him.

Agent Romanoff and Barton would never forget the things he said and did to them, especially Barton.

The Captain would never forgive him for ultimately causing Lady Burn's death.

Erik Selvig would always remember being possessed, Jane Foster would always feel uneasy of him, as well as Darcy Lewis.

Thor, Odin, and Frigga would remember everything that happened on Asgard, all he had done, his mistakes and dark path originally spawning from there, when he had learned that he was a Frost Giant.

And none of them, no matter what they said or did, none of them would ever fully forgive or trust him again.

Chest heaving and fist clenched, all these thoughts crammed themselves in Loki's mind, all at once. 

A single, small tear fell from the left eye of the emotionally damaged Jotun. Loki Laufeyson, who had tried to take over two worlds, three times, let the moisture fall from his face and to the cream colored carpet beneath his feet.

He hated this show of weakness, even if he was the only one there, but he hated it none the less. He hated it, but he needed it. He needed that one moment to be vulnerable, to be weak, before he was once again the cold, emotionless Jotun they knew him to be.

But they didn't. They didn't know him. None of them did, except Thor.

And that was what broke Loki the most. Knowing that Thor, his brother, if not my blood but by love, who knew him better than anyone else in all the realms, thought and saw him the same way that the Avengers, every Midgard and Asgardian, every other living, breathing entity that knew nothing about him, saw him.

They all saw him as a monster.

His brother looked at him like he was a monster.

And if all those people believed it, why shouldn't he?