my rant book

olden days 'n shit

i wish it was like

4-6 years back

where everything was

good

better

great

but

there is no time travel

so i can't

i'll just stay in this fucked up time

but if there was a time machine

that'd be

nice

i would start over

i don't care if i would have to go through everything again

the grades

the problems

but i'll fix one

one that was all my fault

i would go back to the time where we were

friends

when you loved me

when you actually cared for me

when we would go to the back and sing

even though we were bad

we had fun

i heard you sing only once

and i forgot your voice

i forgot your smile when you looked at me doing something stupid

i usually forget things

but i remember the things we did if i tried hard enough

i remember staying up till mom went to work at 5

trying to speak spanish

but fail

when all 3 of us played teacher

when all 3 of us watched tv in mom's room

and then when ***** 'grew up' and stopped hanging out with us

we hung out with each other

go to the back and do stuff

you were the only friend i had for a while

the only one i kinda talked to

you played with the toys i had

and we'd play together

we would walk to school

you would always be in front

i would sometimes sit with you and your friends in the morning

and i would feel so cool

sitting with the 6th graders 

but then you left to 7th

and left me alone

but we moved

and we hung out more

when we did go to school

you were with your friends

and i had to meet new people

our time lessened

now

you don't even look at me

you don't see what i see

you don't see the tv screen i see

watching the hunger games

the movie you showed me

and we became obsessed

we watched every movie in the theater

when it first came out

now

you grew over it

no more talking about it

no more posters

no more

talking

in general

you don't even look at me

i know what i said

i said sorry

multiple times

and yet you don't forgive me

you don't want to make up is what i think

you don't care for me

you don't like me

you hate me

you

you don't love me

you don't see what this is doing to me

i'm alone

watching tv

wishing you were talking to me

bonding over the things i know about you

how you like melanie martinez

how you like the 1975

i miss what we had

i miss talking to you

why can't we just make up

i said sorry

i wrote you a letter

two

fucking

letters

i know you read them

why do you still not talk to me

was it not enough

did i write it wrong

did i not use the right words

was my handwriting bad

did it disturb you

why don't you love me

i love you

i'll always love you

because

no mater what you do to me i'll always be there for you

i'll help you when you need it

even though i know you won't be there for me

i'll take care of you when no one else would

even though i know you won't

but

that's ok

i forgive you

i know you'll never read this

and i know i'll never have to balls to give this to you

but i just want to say

i'm sorry

you honestly know i didn't mean it

i want to make up

please

~your sister

yeah...i'm sad