Sex, Skirts, and Spies

Chapter 2

Roy had never felt so humiliated in his whole life. At the current moment, Breda was on the floor choking on half of his sandwich from his laughing fit a few moments beforehand. Havoc was hunched over, one arm slung across Roy’s shoulder. Havoc was laughing obnoxiously into Roy’s ear, only making Roy’s face heat up more.  Even Fuery and Falmon where in the corner trying hard not to burst in laughter.

“This… Isn’t… Funny…” Roy growled, his eyes sending daggers to all of his men.

“Yes-Yes it is!” Havoc laughed, removing his arm from Roy and stumbling backwards into Fuery.

And then, it happened. Fullmetal walked in at the worst time possible.

Confused and feeling a bit left out, he asked the Colonel something.

“Why is everyone dying of laughter?” He asked, pointing to Breda on the floor with his thumb.

Roy didn’t even want to talk about it. He wanted to go find a giant rock, climb under it, and die. He couldn’t even look Fullmetal in the eye it was so embarrassing. But he had to. He was told by the Fuhrer himself that he had to do this mission.

“F-Fullmetal, take a seat.” Roy pitifully nodded toward his sofa.

Even more confused than before, Edward walked to the sofa with Alphonse following. He plopped right down in the middle, leaving enough room for Al to sit there beside his brother snuggly.

Roy inhaled the thin air, and sat down himself. He knew Ed was about to blow up, so he wanted to make sure he was safe behind his desk before he did.

“Fullmetal, the Fuhrer came in here this morning, and he told me that… we had to do a mission together…”

Wow, that came out less shaky than I’d expected. Roy thought.

“We as in?” Ed asked, lifting a blonde brow.

Roy sighed. This was going to be harder than I thought.

“We as in You and I. King Bradley asked that me and you do this important mission. Together.” Roy felt his stomach drop.

“Ugh!” Edward whined. “It’s bad enough that I have to see you everytime I turn in a damn report, but now we have to do a mission together! How long is it even going to be?!” He shouted, making the face a child does when they’re upset.

“Thats not all!” Breda huffed out between laughs. Roy sent him a toxic look and he quickly hushed up.

“What do you mean?” Ed asked, turning his attention from Breda to Mustang.

“Listen, I’m just going to say this because we need to get it over with.” Roy said, basically to himself.

Edward was now officially clueless (more or less than usual).

“We have to go on a mission to Xing. Apparently one of the higher ups went there on a mission himself, but never returned. When the military sent officers to find him, they found traces of what they believed to be alchemy covering up his hotel room. The Fuhrer is asking for you and I to go to Xing and find him, along with take down whoever  kidnapped him.” Roy felt the pressure deepen as he had one last thing to add to his information on their mission.

“Okay… That doesn’t sound too bad. Yes, it’s time consuming and absolutely horrific having to go on a mission with you, but it doesn’t sound too bad. Besides, I’ve heard Xing has some amazing food and-” Roy quickly interrupted the boys thoughts on Xingese fine dinery.

“We have to pose as a couple.” Roy spat out, his heart sinking into his stomach, making him want to die.

Edward’s facial expression was something no one could ever imitate again.

His face turned blank, as though he hadn’t really understood what Roy had just said. Then it turned into a twisted version of shocked, overwhelmed, confused, and slightly pissed off.

“W-what? I don’t think I understood what you meant…” Ed told the Colonel.

“You and the Colonel have to pose as boyfriend and girlfriend!” Havoc shouted, doubling over in laughter.

“WHAT! HOW’S THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! I’M A DUDE, HE’S A DUDE, WE’RE BOTH DUDES!!!” Edward shouted using all the air in his lungs.

“You- you have to cross dress, boss!” Breda was now laughing so hard he was crying into his sandwich.

Edwards face was bright red. Not only were his cheeks red, but his golden eyes were wide and his lips formed a flat line.

“WHAT! I’M A GUY! THAT DOESN’T EVEN- HOW WOULD WE EVEN-JUST- WHAT!!!” Edward flailed his arms dramatically and Alphonse just rested his palm on his forehead, enduring his brothers voice.

“Don’t get mad at me Fullmetal. It’s not like I asked to do this. It was an order from the Fuhrer himself. We can’t disobey or else it might be seen as treason.” Roy stated, and Edward calmed down slightly. Slightly being his was still pissed off and was now throwing pens from Roy’s desk at Havoc and Breda.

“I just, how, why ME!?” He asked, slamming his fist down onto Roy’s desk.

Roy looked up at him, and felt the need to be a bit snarky. He met Edward’s golden eyes and rosy cheeks before saying-

“Simple: You look like a girl.” He answered, adding a smirk right after.

And with that, Roy was soon dodging Ed’s alchemy as Alphonse chased his older brother around the room and Breda was once again choking on his ham sandwich.