The secret life of Sherlock Holmes

Deep waters

As Sherlock strides through his apartment he anxiously looks at the calander. Tomorrow it starts again. Just like it does every 4 years. God! Why does this has to happen to him? Why not Mycroft, the idiot deserves this. Sherlock takes a deep sigh. He will be fine as long as he wont be near the water. It is just for 7 days after all... How hard can it be? The last time it happend he almost had some slip ups but the week had passed by quickly and no-one had found out his secret. Beside himself only Mycroft and his parents knew about it. Well in defence, his parents HAD to know about this because it was going on since he was 4 years old. It had been a burden ever since... And now he was a grown man. He couldn't hide in his apartment for the whole week he had a job to do... certainly it was getting harder and harder for the worlds only consulting detective to keep his private life in the dark now that he was getting more famous by the day... Almost every day the same old story. Journalists approuching him asking him all sorts of questions. Sure he enyojs the attention and that his intellectuel display is being admirred by so many people but in times like this it is just a pain in the arse. Nobody can know about him... nobody can know what kind of a freak he really is. People will start to repel him if they found out... and John... god John he would never want to talk to him again, ever. He would be disgusted by the man Sherlock really was and what he was, was a monster. It is in times like this that he feels depressed... He had been in love with his best friend for over a year now and he knows John could never feel the same for a monster like him... He could never love the thing that he really was. All these emotions all this sentiment is getting to much. All the people who ever called me a freak, all the beatings as a teen on my boarding school just because I was different, all the drugs I have taken to feel only a little bit more human, to feel, to be alive... but what hurts me the most is knowing that John... my John will never feel the same. Oh, if you could just see how bad I am doing right now. All the pain. In a world turned upside down nothing is how it is supposed to be John... And a heavy sadness fills my soul. I keep falling deeper and deeper within myself. And it feels like nothing, not even your funny little ways and your smiles, can show me out. It feels like it is always nighttime and nightmares and never morning. And mostly I try not to think about it, and try to get by, trying to survive. I've gone to Ella and had many secret therapy sessions with her. And by now I have heard pleanty of promises how things will get better but push hard enough and sooner or later the promises all turn out to be empty. I do not want the world to be pulled out from under me again like it did with the drugs oh so many years ago. But at the same time I lack the energy to move on. I feel like im trapped, trapped in my life of secrets. I feel like I am drowning John... All my life deep waters have followed me and I feel like I can not keep my secret life any longer for you... But knowing you will leave me when you know, breaks my heart. And I wish I could tell you all of it and that it wouldn't matter but who could ever love a mermaid.