Memoirs

Sobriety

Fall 2001

"Hi, my name is Paula and I have a drug addiction" "Hello Paula." The circle of people replied back to me.

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After I was kicked out of Gorilla (or "Gorillaz" I should call it), things were better slightly. I moved back onto my life, lived with my Nan for a few months until I found a good paying job and kept to myself. Stu would try to call every now and then, sometimes he'd try and visit my Nan. I wanted to avoid him though; I wanted nothing to do with the band. Sometimes he'd mention me every now and then in some interviews, but whenever people would ask me about it I usually avoid the question or ignore it.

Other than that, things seemed okay for a while..well, no. Things became worse after that.

I promised myself that once I was out of the band, I was going to get clean and start a new life. But somehow, my vices always came back to me. I got a job as a bartender for this nightclub, and it was good enough to pay for rent. I also got into a relationship with a guy that I've been on and off with for a while. Things seemed bright at first, but there was turmoil behind closed doors.

The guy (Stanley) was a junkie and spent his free time either shooting up or selling to other locals. I wanted to help him get clean and get back on his feet, but eventually I got caught back up again after a period of sobriety. Before we met, I was never really into heroin and other hard drugs like that. But I was instantly sprung..

One night, we were with a group of friends and we were on our way to this concert. I didn't really know who was gonna be performing but it was a pretty huge crowd in this little stadium. All we saw was a huge screen and some people setting up behind it, so it was something to wonder about. When the lights dimmed, everyone applauded and this rough voice came from the screen followed by a high pitched voice from a child; it sounded pretty familiar. But as soon as the band started playing for the night, I knew immediately.

Gorillaz were an international success at the time, and received a bunch of attention from the press. I guess I was happy for them..well, somewhat. I still thought that Murdoc was a complete arse and Stuart (well..2D I should say) was too doped up to see it, but who am I to judge when I'm going through the same problem.

The show was actually really exciting, and my friends were enjoying it. Things started to calm down a bit once they played this certain song with cicadas in the background.

"Gravity on me, never let me down gently. Gravity with me, never let me go no no. Gravity."

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By the time the concert was over, my friends and I went into the parking lot and waited for Stanley to return back; He was trying to score some smack from a dealer nearby. We were both heavily dependent on it at the time, and I thought I'd die without a shot. After a few minutes, he came back with small packets of the substance and we drove back to our flat.

We kicked off our shoes and placed our belongings near a rack, and I had popped a Cocteau Twins record in the CD player. Stanley got some spoons, needles and other objects out from a backpack and we all sat together on the floor in this circle as if it were a ritual. Each of us handed our wrists towards him while he tried to find a good vein for himself. By the time he was done, we were all in a drug-induced haze and things felt squeamy. I laid on the floor just staring at the ceiling, and I felt my eyes become heavy. I tried to get up to go into my room but I could barely move, and I was paralyzed.

I began to panic on the inside, but something was telling me to relax and let things flow. This overwhelming feeling of euphoria ran through me, and I heard others shouting my name. I felt a gentle slap on my face and saw Stanley trying to wake me up, but I was unable to speak.

"Paula!"

"Wake up Paula!!"

"Shit, is she still there?!"

"Fuck, we need to get-"

Right there, everything had turned black.

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I tossed around, and found myself in a bed; The last thing I remember, I was high and lying in my living room floor in a haze. I opened my eyes and all I saw was white; The area around me smelled of baby powder and metal. I saw my hands, and there was an IV on my wrist. Slowly, I sat up and looked around my surroundings; I was in a hospital room. Someone enters the room and notices that I've woken up.

"Oh! Ms. Cracker, you're awake! How are you feeling?" A middle aged woman asked me, she was supposedly my doctor.

"Fine? Uhm.. How long have I been out of it miss?"

"Well.. for about 2 weeks. It appears that there was a high dosage of diamorphine in your system which you couldn't tolerate. Some friends had left you on the sidewalk here after you were unconscious for a period of time."

The doctor frowned at me, and I was just bewildered. It was a blessing that I regained consciousness though..

"You also have a visitor wanting to see you though". She went back into the hallway and lead my Nan into the room. She cried when she saw me and we emvraced tightly.

"God I was so worried about you hun. Why would you do that?" She held my face, and wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

"Dunno.. It's been a habit for a while I guess..Wait, where's Stanley and everyone else?"

"After Stanley and em' dropped you off, they just vanished. I haven't heard from them since Paula, and I can't even get back in touch with Stanley. It might be good for you though, you don't need them.."

She sat on the bed with me, and held my hand. She sighed and rubbed on her nose.

"Paula, you need to get clean. This habit has been in and out constantly, and it's starting to affect everyone around you. I've already got you booked for a stay in this little home in the countryside, and I could get someone to look after your flat until you return."

Eventually, I agreed to stay in rehab and I had to wait a few days until I was discharged from the hospital. When I got back home, I packed my clothes and rode with my Nan to the country. By the time we arrived, the place was near this little beach and there were a couple of people that welcomed me in. I waved goodbye to my Nan as she went into the car and I entered the home. I was lead into a room with a circle of other residents sitting down, and I sat on a spare chair.

"Good evening you all, so we have a new member in our program. It'd actually be nice for you all to introduce yourselfs so we could get this session started."

We went around a circle, introducing ourselves. Some people were either addicted to various drugs and vices, while others struggled with disorders within theirselves. I was the last one to introduce myself, and I stood up.

"Hi, my name is Paula and I have a drug problem" "Hello Paula." The circle of people replied back to me.