Stories From The Grapevine

Raquel

The night everything changed is one I'll never forget. I knew I shouldn't have gone up there. I knew better. I knew I would always have to live with the guilt. I knew that if my boyfriend found out what I was out here doing, it would crush him to pieces, but I did it anyway. Why? That's easy - I was being selfish. It's just that simple. Here he was, holding us down and I was being selfish; only worried about getting me and not feeling bad until after. That night ruined my relationship with only person I truly love. I ruined the only real relationship I had because I was impatient and letting what was going on around me influence my actions. I got so caught up in the hype of being a college student, I didn't just lose one of the best things in my life; I literally threw it away.

    The first time I messed up was when I allowed a guy from our little clique to kiss me in the community room on the second floor of Corona. I don't remember why we were even in there. I know we were with other people but why just the two of us were sitting in the room where the only light came from the TV is a lost detail. We were talking about something, I think it was about my relation and out of nowhere he asked me if I liked him. Now, here we were talking about the relationship I was in and he asks me if I liked him. Not really thinking, you know, I told him ' Yeah, I guess.' That was the first mistake. Then he asked me how I would feel if he kissed me and I said 'I don't know'. That was second mistake. So, he kissed me and I kissed him back. That third mistake led to strike one.

    After that night, everything started to go downhill. I was dancing on him for my birthday in my room and at the clubs when the guys came out the girls. Not only was I openly disrespecting my relationship in public, I had this guy sleeping in my room every other night. We never did anything though. Well, that is until the first night I went up to his room.

    The plan was for us just to sleep, like any other night. Well, plans changed he started to rub my thigh. Sure, I could've stopped him, got up and left. Really, I shouldn't have gone up there at all, but, like I said- I was being selfish. We went from him rubbing my thigh to him asking if he could eat me out. Pause. Can you what? I'd never been eaten out before so why pass up on the offer right? Wrong, but I let it happen anyway. From there, rubbing on my thigh to eating me out, I was so gone, enjoying the feeling; I didn't realize he had his dick out, ready to go. This was where I drew the line, stopping him before things went too far. It wasn't until then that my boyfriend came to my mind and I knew I would forever feel guilty about it. This was strike two.

    Now even after all of this happened, I was still "talking" to the guy and I was still with my boyfriend, getting the best of both worlds. Not even stopping to realize all my actions were setting me up for failure and the consequences were going to be greater than I would've imagined. Little did I know I was about to lose everything because I was about to throw away my relationship for good this time. Still having relations with the guy from school, we were still sleeping together. Compared to the night everything went to hell, all those other nights were nothing.

    Once again, I was in his room, but this time it was different. I wasn't up there to sleep, it was still early; had to be like eight or nine. No, I was up there because he texted me the tongue, cat and water droplet emojis, in that order. I knew what was about to happen and even laughed about it with my friends. When I got there, his roommate was gone so it was just us. I sat on the bed and he kissed me, pulling down my sweat pants. He'd just gotten them off when we heard a knock at the door. I quickly put my pants back on just in case it was somebody looking for him. Not wanting anyone to know what was going on behind closed doors, we waiting and listened but never heard anything else. Looking back on it, I think it was God giving me a sign that this was about to turn my world upside down. But not thinking about it like that back then, we picked up where we left off.

    It took no time before my pants were off, back flat on the bed, legs bent at the knee and his head between them. But did we stop there? No. he asked me again to have sex and like before, I thought about my boyfriend. I told him not now but the next time. The thing about it was I didn't plan on going back, ever. Not wanting to take no for an answer, he talked me into it by playing with my pussy, my weakness at the time. I told him okay, thinking it would be okay. So I lay back on his bed, in his room, where I wasn't supposed to be, and let him have what belonged to my boyfriend - my virginity.

    Not only did I disrespect my boyfriend and our relationship, I gave away what I'd promised to him. But the story doesn't stop there. It wasn't until he came that I realized he didn't use a condom. So let's add it up: sex with somebody who wasn't my boyfriend plus I gave away my virginity plus he didn't wear a condom. It all equals up to strike three. To make matters worse, after he got up, he said to me 'Okay, you can go now'. So now, not only did I feel bad about what I'd done, I felt like a hoe because of what he said. I felt disrespected so I got dressed and left, going back to my room. He followed me all the way there, trying to apologize and say he was just joking but I wasn't trying to hear it. After finally getting him out of my room, I got in the shower and cried for hours. All I could think about was my boyfriend and how I'd just ruined us, even if he didn't know.

    All of with took place in the time span of September. It took one month for me to lose myself completely. As I think about it, everything could've been avoided if I had the sense to say no. I'd stopped talking the guy after that night, my relationship with my boyfriend was still going, up until a few days after Thanksgiving, but between September and the end of November, what I had left of my mind was soon lost too. In that short time, I'd kissed two other people and had sexual relations with one of them. Not sex but we did things. The entire time, I'm still with my boyfriend. I'm doing all these things and not caring till after the fact. The guilt was tearing me up. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and experienced the worst break-ups I might ever have. I purposely picked a fight with him and made him mad while we were on the phone just so he would stop asking me why I was breaking up with him. Actually, on the way back to school, we'd been going back and forth through text. It hurt me to my core to have to let him go but I knew it would have been even worse if I didn't.

    It took me a year and a half, 17 months, to finally build up the courage to tell him the real reason why I broke up with him. I know it hurt him to know that the girl he planned on spending the rest of his life with cheated on him. I was it for him and all I had to do was let him be it for me. He denies it but I know he hates me; If not me then the situation.

    As time went on after I told him, I was still kind of hopeful that we would get back together. I say that, not to be cocky but because even after 17 months, even after telling him I cheated on him, we still talked every other day. Not because I make it a point to text him every day, but because he replied. I used to believe that if I could get him to trust me again, it would just as easy to get him to love me again.

    After some time of us not talking, I realized that my reason for telling him the truth wasn't for us to get back together but for the both of us to have closure about what actually happened. I don't regret the choices I made because I was young so, looking back on it- it was more of lesson that I couldn't learn any other way. To be honest, I'm glad I went through it. I feel like from that, I've grown as a person and matured my thinking. And I'm still young so who knows what else I'll have to go through, you know. Who knows how many more hearts I might break or how many times my heart might get broken. Yeah, it will hurt for some time but everything is a learning process. I'm willing to go through anything I have I have in order to grow myself and be the person I need to be. You know, without struggle, nothing is gained.