Collaborated Damage

Chapter Four

"Emma isn't a person. Emma is a place you get stuck in. Emma is a pain that you can't erase." ~ Justin Vernon. 

"Why haven't you written a song about me yet?" Helen asked me one day.

I ran my hands through her hair. "Because I don't write songs about happy things. I get my inspiration from tragedy, as horrible as that seems."

Helen leaned into my touch. A smile graced her serious face. This is what love is. Not sexual contact, not sharing your deepest secrets. Love was standing side by side with someone who will always be there for you. Love can be silent, or loud as hell. You don't need to have physical contact with them, no lusty pleasures, love is rough and you just have to keep walking. 

I kissed Helen's temple. "I won't ever have to write a song about you, right?"

"Never," She whispered into my ear.

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 "I'm so sorry sir! I didn't see you there." No one notices me. I suppose that's a good thing. 

I bent down and picked up the girl's worn book. I gave it to her making sure there was no skin contact whatsoever. I studied her face while she studied mine. We went to high school together, though for the life of me I couldn't remember her name. She remembered mine though. 

"Blue Belcourt, is it really you?"  The blue eyed girl asked. 

"Uh, yeah. Hi--" What's her name, bloody hell. "Jackie."

That's what her name was. Jackie Young, head cheerleader with great hair. In middle school I had this massive crush on her, though I didn't say anything about it. I was a quiet thin boy at that age, and I had nothing to say, unless it involved video games or Nirvana. 

"Would you like to get some coffee, and maybe catch up? That is, if you can." She wouldn't tell anyone that she spotted me, would she? 

I automatically replied with, "We don't like coffee."

Helen hated coffee.

Jackie gave me a small sad smile. She heard about Helen then. "How about some tea then?"

I nodded my head and she kept babbling on about this great diner that had tea and pie. And oh how she loved pie. I followed her lead, staring at her feet. How in hell did she walk in those six inch heels? It must be a girl thing. 

Together we walked to a small cafe.

 When the tea came, I pulled out my pills and downed a few. Jackie pretended not to have noticed. I bet she was still imagining what I used to have been. How great I was, how much I had going for me. She just noticed the outside, not the broken being on the inside. 

I broke the silence. "So where has life taken you?"

Jackie's face lit up with a smile. "At the moment I work in a bookstore with my husband. But I'm looking for work as a model, like I said I would in high school."

"That must be tough, being a model and all."

"Why?"

"Well, don't you have to stay skinny?"

She nodded her head. 

"Aren't you going to miss chocolate," I named the sweet that she always had on her at high school.

Despite the many beliefs and reality t.v shows, cheerleaders are quite nice. Sure a lot of them used their looks to their advantage, and had jerky friends, but most of them helped people out. They did stay to their own clique though, just like everyone else in school.

"Pluh-ease, I can handle that."

I chuckled and thought back to Annette. Annette would rather die than give up chocolate. Scratch that, she'd rather die than be a model. She was pretty enough, but she would scare the fuck out of the photographers with her mood swings and need to help everyone. 

"So how's life going for you, Blue?" She took a sip of her tea.

I tried to sit still in my seat but my leg kept going up and down. Up and down. Up and down. "Oh, it's been okay. Don't really have a job, well a classified job. I have a job but--"

Jackie laughed, "I've seen you singing in the park. I didn't know for sure if it was you, but I hear your voice now, and I'm like 'oh hell, Blue doll, you're back.'"

I gave her a weak grin. "It was great catching up with you, but I gotta hit the road now. I've got places to go to." This had to be the worse social contact I had in three years.

I tossed enough money on the table for both of our treats and left Jackie. She waved goodbye and I just smiled at the sound of my footsteps. 

 I didn't really have places to go, or really have anything to do. I feel bad for lying to Jackie, but I mean who wouldn't? Jackie believed anything she heard or saw despite her high I.Q. Being around Jackie brought up old thoughts and feelings, making me jittery. 

Jackie's brown hair wasn't the same colour as Helen's, but when it would fall into her eyes, I saw Helen's face. Helen didn't like pie, but she always ate with a fork, just like Jackie ate her pie with a fork. The logic didn't even make since, but everything Jackie did somehow reminded me of Helen. 

I hurried down the chaotic streets. I almost began to believe those fools who claimed 'the end is near'. Almost. I wrapped my scarf tighter around my neck. My breaths came out like clouds in the air. It was too damn cold here. 

 Helen didn't enjoy the outdoors much. She hated the thought of the cold or mosquito's, or sunburn. She just wouldn't go out unless she absolutely had to. I, on the other hand, loved the outdoors. Being outside made me feel free and out of a cage. I loved the smell and the adventure, and just everything. 

Staying inside though was nice, even though I felt like I was suffocating sometimes. We'd sit by each other on her bedroom floor, close, but not touching. She'd tell me about Yo-Yo-Ma and I'd tell her about Kurt Cobain. 

It was simple and quiet, almost surreal. Sometimes we'd listen to music, other times we'd play music. Or sometimes we'd just sit silently, listening to the sound of our heartbeats. I think that that was the best music I've ever created. Silence and heartbeats.