Change me

Chapter 9

Hayley's POV

A week had gone by since I slept over at Sam's and we haven't spoken since. Well truth be told I have been avoiding him, not because I'm mad at him or anything, I just needed to take some time to sort out my own thoughts and feelings. When Dylan died it changed my perspective on everything. I used to be a good student, believe it or not, I was popular and optimistic about how my life would turn out but after the accident it's like something inside of me snapped and everything I thought I knew, I started to question. Every single aspect of my life changed after that day, from the way I looked to the way I behaved around others. I fell into depression and I told myself that I would never be  happy again or find love, certainly not the kind of love I had with Dylan. Then I met Sam. From the moment I first saw him I knew there was something different about him and the more I talked to him the more I realized how special he is. He makes me feel things I never thought I could feel again and to be perfectly honest that scares the living shit out of me. Just thinking about being that close to someone again is terrifying and for some reason it feels like I would be cheating on Dylan, even though he's dead.

The conversation I had with Sam that night, before we fell a sleep, keeps playing through my head. I wish I was as strong as him, that I had the strength to talk about Dylan like he has to talk about his parents. I wish my pain hadn't devoured me like it did and that I hadn't become this cold, emotionally unavailable, bitch. I mean if Dylan could see me now he would be heartbroken that I have become this person. Somewhere inside me I know he would want me to move on and be happy, but I just don't know if I'm ready yet. Besides, me and Sam would never work out. I would ruin him in every way possible and for his sake I have tried so hard to forget him all together but I just... Can't.

I decide that I need to meet him, I don't know what I'm gonna say to him but I just need to see him and hear his voice. I pull out my phone and open the facebook messenger app, relieved to see that he is online, and begin to type my message- "Hey, we need to talk. Meet me in the park in front of the school in 20." I press send and close the app before he has the chance to reply and make my way outside. I get to the park before him and light a cigarette to calm my nerves. Maybe this was a stupid idea I mean honestly what the fuck am I even gonna say to him? I'm not even sure how he feels about me, heck I don't even know how I feel about him. This is all too complicated, too messy, I don't know how to deal with all of this and I wish I didn't have to. I wish there was a way for me to turn off my feelings. 

It's been 15 minutes and he's late, of course he is. I check my phone to see if he had replied to my text, and he had, with a short "Sure." I decide to wait a bit longer figuring he's just late but after he doesn't show up after another 30 minutes I give up and start walking home. I mean of course he didn't show up, I don't even know what I was thinking when I texted him. This was a stupid fucking idea, I hadn't even talked to him for a week, did I really think he was just going to show up because I asked him to? One thing is for sure, this was a sign from the universe or god or whoever the fuck, a sign that me and him should never ever happen and from now on I am going to just stay the fuck away from him and not think about him anymore. It's better like this anyway, feelings are just too complicated for my liking. I make the same promise of not talking to him all the way home, ignoring the sting in my chest that comes with each one.