::i hate you too, thanks. //

letter 1

-this chapter is dedicated to my ex-best friend who i am going to refer as Ms. Believer- 

dear ms. believer, 

i never got a proper chance to say goodbye and a farewell to you because you were too infuriated at my worthless self. but if you ever chose to read this letter, i'm here to say: 

"i'm sorry."

before you left, you told me one thing that is so true that it still hurts to this day. you told me that you won't be able to be there for me anymore, because you will soon leave me. not soon, but someday in the future. and you also told me that i needed to grow up mentally, because you were so independent emotionally, yet you couldn't carry my saddened soul along with yours. 

and you were right. 

i grew up, thanks to you. 

but also thanks to you, i haven't had a single friend who i can fully trust now. of course, i trust those who i got closer to, yet i don't dare myself to reveal all my deepest secrets. because why? they may hurt me as they leave me for some reason. and i hate it, day by day, regretting my jealous actions throwing off our friendship out to the window. i hate that whenever i see you in the hallways of the vast school campus, i get misty-eyed. i haven't gotten over you. 

goddamn you. 

despite all the nostalgia, i still want to thank you for what you have done for me during our epoch of close friendship. i wouldn't exactly say we fell in love with each other, because obviously it wasn't the case. (or at least, it wasn't your case. it was only mine.) you carried my soul, and i carried yours. we had fun, talking about our favourite artists, musicians, future, etc. 

ms. believer, i miss you a lot. i wish you do the same, but i can't force a person to think in a way, right? i just hope we become friends again, or maybe i just want you not to talk behind the back. 

i love you, and have a good day. 

farewell, ms. believer.

sincerely,

alastair.