::i hate you too, thanks. //

letter 6

anybody in particular, someone who is there to listen.

it's so hard to love someone, you know. you have to be as selfless as you can be, even if it means to sacrifice your whole identity for them. i wouldn't consider myself as an abnegating homo sapiens, yet i want to say when i care for someone, i care for them for real.

the whole concept of loving someone, however, is far from caring for someone. like tyler joseph, one of my personal heroes, say, love is like trusting someone with everything that you have and they could crush it at any moment. also, my fear of love comes from the fact that they can leave you for the same reason they came for you. they can love your personality at one point, then they can hate your same personality at another point. it's hard to understand, but i hope you would.

you see, there are some things that i really want to talk about in person, however my fear doesn't let me do so. that being so, i write instead. or type.

the main reason why i haven't gotten any help for my mental health is because since i'm living in this environment where the grades, recommendation letters, getting into colleges/universities, etc. are so important, i can't focus on my mental health that much, especially with my mom saying that all of these are going to end up on my records or something like that. also, depressive disorders became such big of a part of me that it would be ironically saddening to say bye-bye. it's part of my personality and my identity. i just don't know what to do. i tried converting that into anger, but i guess my ability isn't good enough for that yet.