Seeping Wounds

XXVII-Harrison

There has been a huge shift in the mood here. While it has always been depressing and dreary here now there is a sense of anticipation almost, as though something is about to happen.

I've had no time to think about this because ever since Christmas Kayla has been unable to stop crying. Sydney and I have been working hard to keep the nurses from finding out. My therapist has promised that she is working on it.

I wish she would hurry up.

Honestly I'm not sure how much more Kayla can take.

Sydney and I have been taking turns staying with Kayla and trying to keep her calm anytime we know there are nurses coming by.

I think they know that something is happening, they know something is changing. What will happen to my therapist if her plan (whatever it is) doesn't work? She seems like the only one who is willing to stand up for us, what would happen to us if she was forced to leave?

When I email Mia I don't tell her absolutely everything because I don't know who can see what I write, I want to tell her everything. Somehow I believe that Mia does understand how I feel, so I tell her as much as I can.

"Harrison." Kayla calls me out of my head.

"Hey Kayla." I say quietly, "What's up?"

Kayla plays with the bracelet on her wrist, Jacob had given it to her for Christmas, without looking at me.

"Can I do something?" I ask her. 

"Have you thought anymore about that email you showed Sydney and I before Christmas?" Kayla asks quietly.

I stare at her, is she just trying to distract herself from everything that is happening inside her head? Or does she genuinely want to know?

"When ever I have a spare minute it's all I can think about." I tell her honestly, "I wish it wouldn't but it does. It doesn't change anything though."

Kayla bites her lip, "Are you sure that this what you want? Are you sure you want to give her up?" She asks.

"I gave her up a long time ago." I say, "I never had her to begin with, she was never mine. I haven't lost her because I never had her."

"But is it what you want?" Kayla presses.

I shake my head, "If things were different I might think there was a chance for us but it isn't. She is fragile and I'm dangerous, if I were to hurt her again or even be the reason for her death I could never forgive myself."

"You keep saying you are afraid of hurting her but what if she wants you? What if she's willing to take the risk?" Kayla asks.

I shake my head, "But I'm not."

"Harrison I have known you for only a few months but I feel like I know you. The Harrison I know isn't angry or violent, the Harrison I know is kind and generous." Kayla hesitates, "The Harrison I know wouldn't hurt anyone, he's been broken by everything life has thrown at him."

I just stare at her, broken? I guess so.

"Maybe there is a chance that she could help you, maybe Addison can help fix what's broken." Kayla says.

"How did you get so wise?" I ask her, trying to distract her from what she is saying about me.

Kayla's eyes stare unblinkingly at me, "I'm not wise," She says, "But when you have your brain sending you only the bad things, you have to find the good by yourself."

We stare at each other.

"Can we not talk about her?" I ask, "I know you want to help but please, it doesn't help me if you keep asking me questions."