The Feeling of Absolutely Nothing

Chapter 6

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My tragedy is almost at an end. I have almost finished my story to reason. But there is still so much I've left out on.

I still haven't answered all of the questions but if I don't say them now, they'll die with me; never to leave my lips.

But I have to, have to explain.

Summer of my 9th grade. I went to visit my father in the sunshine state of California. Where all the celebrities and rich people live.

After summer camp the year before I refused to go. I didn't want to going into the same place that he may be makes me sick.

Like I suspected, I was nothing but a burden on my father. He had work and couldn't spend time with me.

I would sit at home and watch television to stay out of his way. I was to afraid to go outside, I could already hear people judging my body.

I was worried to make a friends only to have them crush me like a grape like all the rest. So I isolated myself inside the house.

I was so use to being hurt that when good came around I would push them away. This is where I fucked up, badly.

He was so good to me. And I pushed him away and now he hates me like all the rest. And it was my fault. I did it. Like all of the things that go wrong in my life it's because I fucked it up.

...

"Go take out the trash please. I have work late tonight but I'll be back are you okay with that?"

I nod starting at the cartoon on the television. He walks over shutting it off and putting the remote in his pocket.

"Go outside, make friends, you're in LA for fucks sake enjoy the sun!"

His smile drops, "Look, I don't want you to remember you visiting me being a bum, okay?"

"Okay, dad I'll try and go outside but no promises."

He smiles kissing my cheek, "Bye."

I pick at my hangnail worried, what if I get made fun of my fat ass won't make it any better. I could feel my anxiety and paranoia getting the better of me.

I tie the garbage bag walking outside. I go out front and dump the trash. Looking off I see a small park with swings and slides.

I walk there wrapping myself in my wool sweater. I sit on the swing kicking my feet in the mulch I doze off looking down on the spider on the ground.

I could crush him and he would die, and it wouldn't affect anything at all. It would be one less spider to weave a web. I put my finger down to let it crawl on my finger tip and it bites me.

I flinch but let it crawl onto my hand letting it bite my hand as I watch it crawl on my pale skin.

The spider was soon crushed by another hand startling me.

"Sorry, but those are poisonous. I mean it's not lethal but their bites hurt like hell. I hate spiders."

I nod awkwardly starting to leave the park.

"Wait, I'm sorry I just, I'm bad at socializing I didn't mean to creep you out."

I turn around squeezing my hands, nervous, anxious, "It's okay, I kinda suck at socializing too."

"My names Niall, I live across the street from the park."

I nod again picking at the spider bite on my finger trying my hardest not to run and leave the conversation.

"So, what's your name?"

I sigh feeling the pain in my chest ache. It always starts this way, they ask for my name, they get me close and then crush me just like the spider.

"Arlie, it's Arlie."

"Arlie? That rhymes with gnarly. That's cool!"

I smile a small smile fiddling with the end of my sweater.

"Yea."

"Well it's nice to see someone my age in this neighborhood, nice to meet you Gnarly."

"It's Arlie."

"Well it's my nickname to you."

He waves walking back to his house.

I sit back on the swings looking at the bites and red mark on my hand from where Niall slapped the spider.

I get upset, scratching at the rest of my hand making all of it red so I wouldn't be able to see the first one.

I get up from the swings crying on my way home.

...

I'm looking out on the water seeing it gleam in the street lights.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

I undo and grab the necklace from around my neck throwing it into the water.

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