The Feeling of Absolutely Nothing

Chapter 1

Purpose
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When you see the word purpose you may think this will start off as a sob story of some cheesy, love story about a girl who has lost 'everything' and is looking for her purpose in life because her boyfriend Justin or better yet Dustin has left her to pick up a career as an actor for Disney Channel.

Well you're completely off if you think so. In fact it's about a mental, basic wanna be emo chick who will complain about her fucked up 'love' story.

Right at this moment I am sitting at the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge on a Thursday 3:00 in the morning.

There are many things that have led to this moment right here, right now but it will bore you to know why or maybe even make you feel sick to your stomach because there's nothing to sulk about, but I'm going to explain anyway because maybe just maybe my craziness will make some sort of sense.

It all starts on August 17th, 2014, the start of middle school, the start of all things havoc. I know what you may be thinking, middle school couldn't have been so bad, but it was; it was the start of it all.

You see before middle school I was somewhat lovable, people liked me I was skinny at the time, I was ok looking but then the stress of middle school ruined my image. I ate myself into an unhealthy amount of weight and began to develop an attitude that well matched my troll-like appearance.

During this time my friends from 5th grade were growing further and the bullies and anxiety of school presentations grew closer. And it didn't help that my bullies were a grade older than me and happen to be popular it just makes this story 10 times more cliché than it's supposed to be.

Anyway like I said they were a grade older than me and popular so that meant that the term monkey see, monkey do came into play often. If she would say or do something everyone would follow.

I never understood why. Maybe in hopes of being popular someday too and hang out with Kaylin Finelley and her friends and be BFF's for life something cheesy like that.

Kaylin Finelley, writing her name on my paper notebook I will continue. Kaylin Finelley, the 8th grade and now 10th grade 'hoe' that broke the heart of many, both girls and boys.

People think she's a hoe but I know better.
We used to be best friends until me, I messed it up horribly but doesn't mean she should've reacted the way she did, and that doesn't mean that I'm innocent either.

I ruined our friendship, I messed up our bond, and all it took was one boy. One boy that ruined the 'unbreakable' bond between two girls.

But I'll get to him later, one thing I have to make sure you know is that Kaylin Finelley will forever be in my heart. Even though she befriended me then dropped me over and over which led to my fucked up mentality I will always feel a sympathy for her.

There's so much dirt I have on her that could've and would've ruined her pathetic middle school and now high school status quo, but I didn't, I wouldn't and I won't because besides the fact she killed my soul, she's like a sister to me.

And besides once upon a time we were best friends, so she never was all that horrible.

Anyways, Kaylin Finelley the girl who had the guts to sit with a 6th grader even though she was in 7th, the girl who stood up for me when someone would threaten me.

Kaylin Finelley, she was great. Key word was. And then my 7th grade year and her 8th everything went wrong, both at home and school.

Sorry, my stories are getting off track. What went wrong between me and Finelley? What dirt do I have on her that seems to be so bad that it threatens her whole being?

I'll answer the first question, remember that boy I was talking about let's just say the cliché we both had a crush on him and I did something way out of hand to get him.

And in honesty I didn't want to do it, but I was trying to prove something. I guess I always saw myself as the D.U.F.F and the fact that he even offered...

I don't know, I've never really thought about it before just thinking about it is making me want to jump a little more. But I have to explain, I need to explain.

All these thoughts in my head that I've had forever just thinking about them is difficult, trying to keep it in order so that you can understand is even harder.

But one thing that will forever stay clear in my head is that I want to die and I think that's ok; right this moment I can't feel sorry for myself because I've forgotten how.

But I think that's ok too.