The Feeling of Absolutely Nothing

Chapter 5

Yearning
❂
Hunger.

It's a feeling, it's only been a feeling something I was desperately looking for.

After 5th grade I was constantly told that I was fat. My mother wouldn't let me forget and neither did the kids at school.

"Oh no, an earthquake!"

"How long does it take you to fit into your clothes?"

I was fat, very fat and it bothered me. I would eat non stop. But during the coming end of 8th grade, I stopped eating.

I started to watch what I ate. I ate only fruits and vegetables. I was starting to loose weight but not enough. I only ate vegetables, and then it degraded to a couple celery and carrots and then it went down to eating 5 bites of a celery stick and then it went down to nothing.

I would look at the food and I would see myself being rolled out of bed or being lifted out of bed in a crane. And by the days the plates of food would only get bigger, and I could see myself getting fatter.

I would eat and run the block, over and over. I would do countless amounts of jumping jacks and sit ups just to work off the food I've eaten.

If I ate a carrot I promised myself that I would do 30 sit ups. I don't know, call me crazy.

After a certain amount of time food seemed pointless, to be honest I hated exercising it hurt but if I ate I would have to exercise so to prevent myself from exercising I just wouldn't eat.

Hunger was the only feeling I would receive when I didn't eat. A feeling that I was desperately looking for.

I wanted to feel something other than anger and resentment so I felt hunger.

There were days where I was so weak that I couldn't leave my bed. But its something I deserved, it's something I needed.

I would see him there, I would see how he would date the skinny girls, how he'd love and respect the girls who were a size 0 and I wanted that from him. I did.

But I never got it.

I didn't know how to get the love from anyone, the love I was trying so hard to get.

My mother, I love her so much. But I fuck it up. I fuck up our relationship that's why she hates me so much. Because I'm a fuck up.

I remember one night the teacher called saying she was worried about me. Because I wasn't focusing on my work and I was showing 'signs' as she likes to put it.

My mother called me from my room, she asked me if I was okay; I told her yes.

And she grabbed me by my hair pulling it as she jerked my head back and forth and asked again and I told her I was fine. She then punched me on my cheek with the side of her fist still holding me by the hair she asked me again. I told her I was okay.

She threw me down and stepped on my ankle. And asked me if I was okay. I told her that I wasn't okay and she continued to slap me. She threatened to call the police on me for showing 'signs'.

She told me that she would have them take me away because I was being ungrateful. And I was, why didn't I tell her that I wasn't okay so that we could've just had a mother daughter talk?

She told me to strip down to nothing but my undergarments to check my body for the anger and resentment. And she saw them on my arm and on my legs.

She pushed me down, I remember it so clearly. And she grabbed a kitchen knife, I remember her words as she held up the knife waving it around in her hand, they were harsh but I deserved to hear them.

"Next time you want to go and cut yourself get me because I'll do it, you hear me? You hear me girl, I'll do it!"

She threw the knife down behind her and I heard the scrapping of the metal on the tiled kitchen floor as she stormed out of the living room and to her bedroom slamming the door shut.

I just sat there, and once I picked myself up going back to my room I got a razor almost slicing it downward but I threw it away from me instead because my release would be to easy for me and I deserved to feel the way I felt.

I laid in bed that night I couldn't sleep because it was my fault.

That morning I woke up and my cheek was bruised and swollen, my lip was split, and my ankle was sore.

I didn't tell my mother goodbye that morning because I didn't want her to see my face and feel bad for what she did because she didn't need to because I deserved it.

As a mother she can only take so much and me being alive is too much. That's why my death is needed because my mother would be happier without me.

And so would my dad, and so would Zain, and so would Kaylin, and so would Harry because my presence is like a poison, I cause sickness and despair on everyone I encounter.

Hunger, feelings, death, are all something I yearn for, something I want.

And I will get them back, I'll fall my heart and stomach empty, I'll feel the the snap of my neck as I collide with the surface of the water and I'll die a quick and quiet death.

Alone with me and my thoughts...