Let's Get Lost in Words

::4:01::

I wish I could sleep. My mind is racing and I'm not thinking. I'm just restless and know I can't sleep. I want so badly to close my eyes and drift away, to the land of dreams and fantasies. Where nobody is to be bothered and life is peaceful. But my mind makes me stay and lay in bed awake; only to stare at the darkness of my room, the light that seeps through the curtains and the brightness of my phone. For if I cannot sleep I might as well find something to occupy my time. My mind wanders as I stare out the window, oh the places I wish I could go. The adventures that await in life for me, but if only I had the energy for them, if only the motivation ran through my body the way it used to. For I have found comfort in my pain, and happiness in the discomfort of my brain. The darkness that lurks through my mind is more awake at night. It whispers to me the words I dread to hear. But the way he says it is so sweet and tempting. How Death could wrap his arms around me, his cold embrace feeling warm. How the sharp blade that was meant for paper, could now cut my skin. How Pain can ease my sufferings and make me feel again. How the blood that trickles down my wrist, and the tears that stream down my face were only meant for the night to experience. The sun may watch what I do but the moon knows all my secrets. All my terrible thoughts, all the scars my clothes and face hide, everything I wish to disappear is visible to the one thing that never leaves. All the things I regret and wish had never happened, all my insecurities are in the light of the moon and the shadows of its rays. Look no further for here I am naked to the moon as it knows my pain, it knows what I've seen, what I've felt, it knows my secrets. I wish I could end it all, but how? It wouldn't take much to drink too much alcohol, I'm such a small person. I know where all the medicine is, if I grab a handful of many things that could work. I've heard there's a shotgun in the house, I could find where. Or I could drag the knife across my throat, the worst type of paper cut. I would take anti depressants if I knew; if I knew they could help. If there was some way to give a definitive answer I would take them in a heart beat. But all I hear and can say is "I think". And when I ask what I should do it's, "if you *think*...." I can't just think, I have to know. I know I have depression. I know it keeps me awake at night. I know it's the reason I don't eat much. I know that I should do something. I know I can't talk to someone because I don't need another person trying to pick at my brain. I do that enough on my own and it doesn't make sense. I know what I'm thinking will never happen. I know that through writing all this down at 3:49 in the morning is providing relief as opposed to holding it all in; I also know it's giving me anxiety. Because although none of this will happen; what if it did? What if I took the pills, or shot myself, or raked the blade across my neck, or hung myself. What if I died....
Who would laugh? Who would cry? Who would say I had it coming or deserved it? Who would miss me? Who would blame themselves? It's nobody's fault but mine if I die. I made the choice to end it all. End everything running through my mind because these thoughts are too much to handle sometimes.

But it's never going to happen...
Because I think these thoughts too much, too much that the thought of death is like wondering what I'm going to eat, if I'm going to eat. I have found comfort in my pain, and happiness in the discomfort of my mind. These thoughts mean nothing, just like I mean nothing. I guess I have been thinking again...