Scatter Plot

F.o.u.r

"I can't believe how amazing the fireworks looked!" Emily exclaimed.

"It was beautiful, I loved the heart shaped one and....squirrel!" I shoot my head to the left. Emily freezes, confused as to why I stopped.

"What just happened?" She asked. I grinned at her.

"I'm kidding! You fell for the most classic stereotypes!" I laughed. Emily looked hesitant.

"You're sure? I'm not sure what I believe anymore..." She said.

"Yes, it was a joke." I insisted.

Despite the fact that I do get real life "squirrel" moments, ADHD is far from simply moments of distraction. The fidgets are a give away, restless leg, constantly fiddling with objects, but it's so much more. ADHD a lot of the time is accompanied by symptoms of depression and anxiety. I know it comes with more that that, but those are simply the symptoms I have... the symptoms I've never told anyone about. I've always had bouts of depression, practically my whole life. If something became to hard, I would shut myself out. I would give up and withdrawal from my surroundings. My anxiety didn't begin until I was twelve.

Middle school is a horrid place, and with my history, mom was afraid I would be bullied. She decided to homeschool me until high school, give me a bit of time to grow up. This...turned out to be a very, very bad decision. Two weeks in, I shut down completely, not wanting to see people, not even wanting to go to church, which is my safe haven. I was antsy from the beginning, not being able to sit down and complete a lesson in the amount of time most students would take. I would constantly be in and out of my chair, doing something else, to the point of me taking up to four hours to complete a 45 minute lesson. It was in this time period where I really found my love for writing. I was stuck at the computer all day, why do something I hate...(school)? I began to type up stories in word documents when mom wasn't looking. I would fiddle around with my lessons for a few minutes with her breathing down my neck, but the second she left the room, my story was back on the screen. It got so bad that I ended up doing one lesson a day, instead of the normal seven lessons a day. I was proud when I would type eight chapters in a day of my fantasy world.

Some people don't know or understand this about ADHD, probably because it contradicts quite a bit, but we also hyperfocus. When we find something that interests us, it is all we want to do. All I wanted to do was write my stories, school didn't matter. I was so hyperfocused on my stories, I didn't want to leave, I hardly used the bathroom, I hardly ate, all I wanted to do was type all day long. When mom forced me to go to church activities, I would have to be forced out the door. I would sulk in the corner all night until I got home. I was filled with anxiety so bad, all I wanted to do was escape to the fantasy world I had created for myself. My characters were my best friends, and they lived the life I wished I had. Of course, they didn't have much of a plot, because my ADHD wouldn't allow them to follow only one.

This anxiety of seeing people soon turned into depression as well. I hated being away from my computer, and I hated talking to people. I got so good at lying to my parents about doing my lessons, that I completely forgot to do them at all...and I ended up getting that call. My teacher noticed my online activity was nonexistent for two entire weeks, without any explanation. I was truant.

Me, being an ignorant twelve year old, forgot that school is sort of...you know, required by law. I was in big trouble, and so were my parents. The worst part of this was seeing the mortification in my mom's eyes. She was disappointed in not only me, but herself. I was banned from writing my stories until all of my lessons were caught up...and I was about two months behind my classmates. Suddenly I was having to do eleven lessons a day to catch up by the end of the school year, and most nights I was reduced to a sobbing mess because I hadn't been able to write. I didn't understand my classwork, and it frustrated me without end. The only break I got was to go to church activities, which my parents required not only for religious reasons, but for my social life. They saw my anxiety around people, and they made sure I was interacting with other kids my age. I felt so out of place. The only ones who could possibly understand me was my story characters.

Well...mom didn't want to go through that again. She was learning how to handle me as we went along, and she figured out that even though bullying was a possibility, public school was better for me.

First day of eighth grade, you can't possibly imagine the amount of anxiety I felt. It wasn't the usual first day of school jitters, it was a full blow anxiety attack. I wandered the halls aimlessly, trying to get to my locker through the masses of people. Honestly, I don't think I had ever had to battle crowds like that before until eighth grade. I managed to find my enrichment, and I sat in the corner, trying to calm down. Somebody sat next to me, and I tried to be nice, knowing I had to make friends in the next few days or I'd be a total outcast the rest of the year.

Class after class, all day long was like a new stab to the chest, as I had to make friends in every new class. Fifth period finally came, and I walked into biology, my hope diminished. I suddenly recognized a blonde figure. I honestly didn't know who she was, we met once, and I knew she was from my same church. She launched herself at me, insisting I sit next to her, and chatted the whole time. I obviously let her, happy to have someone else do the talking...not that I listened, most conversations to me sound like a blow fish trying to rap underwater with their mouth full of marshmallows. Emily was quite the handful, but she was alright...I supposed I'd keep her around. I still haven't gotten rid of her in five years, so I guess she's cool.

I forgot where I was going with this whole chapter, but I guess to tie it all up, ADHD can be really cool, it releases a whole new creativity on the world. I do struggle though, and with every thing going on, with my ADHD causing me to try and process everything at once, I can become overwhelmed, and I've had many panic attacks due to this. I try to keep this on the down low, because I hate the attention being drawn to the negative. The squirrels are more fun to focus on.

Squirrels, anxiety, depression, hyperfocusing, though they may contradict one another, they are all part of the excitement. You never know what may come out of my mouth, because most of the times, I don't quite know either. It's all part of the...SQUIRREL!

...joking!