Scatter Plot

E.l.e.v.e.n

School starts tomorrow morning, and I keep telling myself I'm excited, but I'm actually terrified. It's senior year, and my grades actually matter this year. I can't do the usual skate by that a normally do, I can't come out with straight C's, I need at least straight B's. I've been shaking at the prospect all afternoon. I might actually have to talk to the councillor to keep advice, to keep me on task. The problem with the councillor is I have to actually put in the effort to sign up to see her. I think I'm going to sign up to see her first thing tomorrow and talk to her about my anxiety of this year, and ask if she will keep on top of my school work, make sure I'm actually doing it. Ugh, I'll regret that decision in about four hours.

As I was writing little short stories on my original account, I began to have a bit of an anxiety attack about how this year will go down. I immediately began to tell myself, "Get out of this account. Log into your new one and write on Scatter Plot." I have no objective whatsoever for this chapter, you're honestly seeing me have a bit of a panic attack, and reading me working through it. To anyone out there who needs help with anxiety but simply can't find the help you need, write it down. Start a book. This is how I work through mine, and it might not work for everyone, but it works for me. I chose to publish mine, which of course you don't have to do, but I like to think I might actually help someone while I fight my own battles. I may not know who I'm helping, but it's helping me to think that I'm helping you help yourself. Does that make sense?

To make matters worse about this year being filled with anxiety, my little sister is starting her freshman year at my high school. I've promised to show her the ropes and to not abandon her on her first day like my brother did. I know I pushed away my brother, but he could have at least tried to show me around. Instead, he saw me having a panic attack and sobbing as I walked through the doors, and he waved and said, "Well, I hope you find Emily." So I've taken on my sister to make sure that doesn't happen to her. Granted she's actually more outgoing with the social aspect then I am, and actually has friends going into this school, and all I had was a MIA Emily. She'll appreciate my actions later down the road.

Not that she's grateful now. The little snob thinks she can do anything, which is a good mindset to have, but I learned long ago you can't do something alone.

The one thing I do love about school is waking up early. Now I know that sounds crazy, but I am the biggest morning person ever. It's to the point of when I sleep in past eight in the morning, I am depressed the rest of the day because I missed the best part of the day. In summer, when I don't have to set alarms, I typically sleep in until ten, and it's the worst. One time I slept in until noon, and I literally started to cry because I felt so useless, like I had wasted six hours of my day doing nothing. I could have been writing, or running, or watching Netflix. Something more productive than sleeping!!

To none morning people, I'm pretty sure I sound crazy. Half my family thinks so. The other half is like me. I do well in my early periods of school, whereas the last few periods I am dead to the world. I'd rather wake up at 4:30 in the morning than stay up till 3:00 in the morning. 11:00 at night hits and I'm out. It's really magical, truly. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

So considering I had absolutely no desired outcome or objective for this chapter, if turned out pretty good. It's short, but oh well. That's what I love about this book is I can speak my mind, and it still makes sense considering it's a book of my thoughts. When I was naming this book, I had no clue what to call it because it had no plot, and my friend suggested Scatter Plot, because it's everywhere. It's fitting, I believe. Anywho, wish me luck this school year. I hope to keep on top of my homework and grades, so we'll see how many last minute projects I'm scrambling up before grades hit in nine weeks.