Another love

Total Bliss

After that night everything was perfect. It couldn't get any better then that. I sat there thinking to myself about what happened last night, what came over me? Why did I let that happen? I love Dean but I promised that I would save myself for when I was ready, for when I wanted to give myself to someone. How could I lie to myself? I just sat there for the longest time and I couldn't believe I was having these thoughts. I know I told myself I was going to wait until I was ready or for fucks sake maybe until I was married because god knows Dean is the only for me. But that's just it. Dean was the one, Dean was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I trust him with my life, I know he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me. He will always keep me safe from anything that could hurt me in any way. I know he loves me and won't do anything he knows will hurt me. Dean is my hero and I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him. The more I sit here and think about this the know I feel shitty for thinking that I fucked up by letting Dean take my virginity. How could I think that me giving myself to him was a bad thing. If anything I was the mistake, he can do so much better than me. He could get the hottest girl in school. He doesn't really want to be with me. This was all a bet. He bet all his friends he could get in my pants no matter how long it took. Shit. Shit. Shit. I fucking sent myself into a panic attack. How the hell did I do that? Shit, he's waking up. 

"Good morning beautiful, how did you sleep?"

"I'm just fucking peachy thanks for asking!", I snapped at him.

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"I'm having a fucking panic attack you moron!"

"Why? What happened?"

"I got lost in thought, don't fucking worry about me I'll be just fine!"

"Seriously this is my fucking fault?!"

*Sigh* "No but I put bad thoughts in my head while you were asleep without meaning to, i just got lost in my thoughts. Im sorry..."

"Well what did you think about?", Dean asked with concern.

"I told myself that you were just with me on a bet, that you made a bet with your friends that you could get into my pants no matter how long it took. That you didn't care about me or anything...I'm sorry.", I said breathlessly trying to calm myself down.

"Sam, why would you ever even think for a second I would do that to you?", I could hear his voice starting to get thick and stick in his throat like syrup. 

"I don't know, I couldn't help it. You know I'm bipolar and I have bad anxiety and depression and all this other shit, I wasn't meaning to."

"I know love, I know I'm sorry I got so hurt but I can't help it when you think like that. It hurts knowing that those things run through your mind. I want to help you."

"I don't deserve you, I don't deserve how good you are to me."