Thoughts

Fat

The title says it but let me just tell you a story. It's funny because of all the good memories to keep, this bad memory couldn't get off my mind.

So this story happened a few years back when I was in first grade in Elementary, I think was around seven years old.

The teacher grouped the class into four. So there were two girls which is me and another girl in my class and two boys. We went to the assigned seats that the teacher instructed us to sit.

I don't know if you guys know this kind of seats but it was pretty old it wasn't a typical classroom desk. It would be possible if three people would sit in it because we were kids and we were small.

So yeah I think there was no more space for me so I sat in the desk. So we got started with our work or at least they got started with our work. Yes I didn't do anything I was pretty dumb, just like what my uncle told me and what my other classmates told me. So a little while later my boy group mate suddenly blurted out rudely

"Hey you're so fat" He was laughing and my other boy group mate agreed and laughed with him too. I was not sure if my other classmates heard it.

Believe it or not but that was the first time someone called me fat

I didn't know what to say or do

I felt so ashamed and hurt

I wasn't thinking of getting back to them I wanted to stay silent until my other girl group mate told them

"Stop that mind your own. It's her body and she can eat if she wants to"

When she defended me the feeling of feeling bad about myself went away. Since then we were always together having recess, lunch and I go to her house.

She was my best friend back then but I don't know if she consider me as a best friend too but I don't think she does because as we went to third grade we kind of drifted apart. We weren't classmates until sixth grade.

We still remained friends... I think

Even when we enrolled to the same school and became school mates we just exchange glances, until we became classmates again in ninth grade, this happened a few months back.

Well at first she has different circle of friends and changed and we became friends again but we weren't hanging out that much unless our other friends was there and we would hang out.

Until this one time she was asking if we have something like circles in our backs and I asked about what it is. So she showed us what it is, we were astonished.

I never actually seen those kind of circles so I was kind of feeling curious if I have that one too so I touched my back. Well I know I might not have it because since I became a teenager I always look at myself in the mirror and stare at my ugly body and yes I am still fat.

So I said to her, "Can you look at my back and check if I have any?"

I pulled my shirt at my back a little bit. She pulled it to check if there is any and she told me this phrase that got into my head again, who knows until when will I have to keep it in my mind.

"You don't have any because you're so fat"

Of course I still hear a lot of people calling me fat but she was different at least until I consider her as my hero

Yes, deep inside me I considered her as one of my hero. I know it sound ridiculous but she is.

A few years back she was telling the other kids to stop telling me something horrible but what happened that day made me think more little of myself even until now. I was never happy about my body.

It's funny how she does not remember defending me before. How did I know she forgot about it?

I asked if she remembered how she defended me before, I told every details, but she didn't. I don't hate her I just hate everything about myself.