Am I Worth Saving?

When Panic Approaches

*Bella's POV*

This past week has been nothing but complete bullshit. i haven't slept a wink in days, and the only things that could comfort me right now would be Josh and my blade. Josh is my boyfriend and he hasn't let me touch the blade in weeks. He's scared I'll cut a vein or something. I feel bad for him though. He always has to look out for me and he never worries about his own problems. But i miss him. He has been out of town this past week to see his sick grandmother who isn't doing so well.

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It was Thursday night and just as i was getting in bed my phone rang. It was Josh.

"Hey", I answered sleepily.

"Hey babe, it's me. You sound tired. How are you?" He asked. I missed his voice so much it felt good to here him.

"I'm fine", I lied. "I miss you, a lot. How are you?"

"Bella, you're not fine. I know that scratchy sound of your voice. You were just crying weren't you?"

At this point i had tears streaming down my face, but i was making no sound. I didnt want him to worry.

I didn't answer for what seemed like 15 seconds or so and i could tell Josh was getting concerened.

"Bella? Please babe. Everything is gonna be alright. Now why dont you go lie down and we can talk about it, ok?"

His words always comforted me.

"Ok." Even a sentenced as small as this had to be forced out of sobs. I knew a panic attack was approaching.

"Boo, what's wrong? you know i hate to see or hear you sad." He called me his Bella Boo. I liked it.

"You want me to tell you what's wrong?" At this point I was hyperventalating and Josh could tell. He quickly stopped me.

"No. I want you to stop talking and do as I say. Breath. In and out. Deep breaths, Bella. Good job. Now count to ten with me. One, Two, Three... Nine, and Ten. Now are you calmed down a bit?"

"Ya, I think. Thanks. I'm Sorry." I appologized because I felt bad for taking up his time.

"Don't be. It's not your fault you have anxiety. Now please, stay calm and tell me whats wrong."

"EVERYTHING IS WRONG!" I exclaimed. I could feel the tears coming again. "I have no friends at school, I miss my boyfriend terribly that it makes me sick, I'm always alone because my mom works, and when I am alone i like to hurt myse-"

He cut me off.

"Don't you dare." His voice grew serious. "When was the last time you did it?"

"2 hours ago."

"Oh Babe, you could have called me."

"I know. I'm sorry. I love you"

"Ok Bella, I have to go. Goodnight my angel. I love you."

I was sad he had to leave but i said goodbye and that i loved him too. Then we hung up.

Just as I was going to bed i saw my phone light up. It was a text from Josh.

From Josh:

I love you boo :) I have a big surprise for you tomorrow <3

I smiled as I read it. Then i texted back.

To Josh:

Alrighty cant wait! Love you :) Goodnight xx

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