Am I Worth Saving?

The 13th Floor

a/n: This is going to be a triggering chapter.. just a warning.. love you all!!

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I really didn't know what Josh would think. I know he will be disappointed and sad but he can't get mad at me right?

At this point I am shaking so bad and I am standing up in the bathroom, next to the sink, blade in hand. I was going to debate whether or not to do it, but by that time it was too late.

I was crying so hard and before I knew it there were slashes on my upper arms, thighs, stomach, and hips. I was panicking and crying and trying to clean up the blood when I knocked over the glass soap dispenser.

SHIT!

There was blood everywhere and I knew I was making noise and all of the sudden I saw the door swing open.

"Honey?" My mom was speechless, yet she wasn't surprised.

I was still sobbing, uncontrollably. She took of all of my clothes off and dabbed my body with a wet washcloth. She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working. It was only minutes later when she realized the cuts wouldn't stop bleeding and she called 911. 

I was screaming and begging her not to call but before I knew it, the paramedics were already in my house, rushing me to the ambulance.

I guess I fell asleep, because when I woke up I was on the thirteenth floor of the hospital...THE PSYCH WARD!

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"Mom?" I asked as soon as I woke up.

I couldn't find her right away but once my eyes adjusted I could see her in the corner of the room asleep, on a chair with a blanket wrapped around her. I observed the room a little bit more and then I saw that there was an IV needle in my hand. Then I realized there were also restraints around my wrists. As soon as I saw them, my mom woke up.

"Mom, why am I here, and why are my arms stuck in these stupid hand-cuffs?" I was almost yelling at this point.

"You need help. And you tried to pull the needle out several times." She was very calm saying this. Heartbeats later a short, heavy nurse walked into the room. I never want to look like that.

She started talking to me about how I am "dramatically underweight" and I am "nourish deprived". I didn't really catch the whole thing but it sure was boring. 

I heard my mom's phone ring, then she got up and left to go answer it. I was eavesdropping and all I heard was "Hello Josh." and "She will be ok." and something about visiting hours. When she got back in the room I asked her who she was talking to.

"Oh, it was just Josh," she said ever so carelessly.

"Just Josh?" I didn't appreciate the fact that she used the terms "Just Josh".

"He wanted to see how you are doing. He might stop by later." 

Uh-Oh.. The last thing I need is for Josh to be here. He is going to see my cuts and cry. I know he will. He will also be disappointed in me and he probably won't want me anymore. I mean besides, who wants a girl with scars anyway?

My mom left the room to go get some food at the cafe. Soon after mom left, Josh came in through the door. I quickly turned on my back so that I wasn't facing him and I pretended to be asleep. He knew I was faking and he just sat on the bed next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and tried to comfort me.

After a long moment of silence I turned back around to face him and tears were streaming down my face.

"I'm sorry," I choked out.

"Shh.. Don't be sorry." He was good at this whole comfort thing.

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They released me later that day and Mom, Josh and I went home. Me and Josh laid down in my bed and he put his hand on my stomach. He must've felt the throbbing or something because he lifted up my shirt revealing all the cuts and slashes.

"Back to zero days clean," I said with a frown.

He shut me up by gently kissing them, making me blush...hard!

We fell asleep right there. I woke up the next day without Josh, but with a note from him saying, "I wish I could sleep with you more, but I have to go see my grandmother :( I love you baby. Stay strong Bella <3"

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 Since it was Sunday I stayed in bed a little longer. Actually, a lot longer. I was in bed until 12:37 and then I woke up to find another note on the counter. This one was from Mom. 

I'll be back at around 3 stay safe baby girl, I love you. call me if you need anything  -Mom

I usually liked being home alone. I had freedom, and I wasn't being watched every 10 seconds. But this time I was scared. I didn't have my mom or Josh. What if I hurt myself again??