Am I Worth Saving?

Surprised. Loved. Special.

I woke up feeling refreshed after talking to Josh last night. He gives me a feeling that I cannot describe. I miss him so much. 

It was around 7 in the morning and I knew I should probably get ready for school. I didnt want to go, but I figured it was Friday and it should go by fast. Something was telling me i shouldn't skip. I took a quick shower and got dressed and headed downstairs.

My mom was still sleeping because she gets home late so I tried to stay quiet. I walked past the kitchen and my stomach growled. I new I should eat, but I couln't. I didn't want to. I didn't make a lunch and I headed out the door.

As I was walking I remembered Josh had mentioned something about a surprise. I quicly pulled out my phone and texted him.

To Josh:

What's the surprise??? :)

He almost instantly texted back,

From Josh:

Good morning to you too babe.. lol and don't worry, you'll find out.

To Josh:

Ok can't wait! well gotta go to school now, I'll text you later babe.

~~~~~

During second period algebra I started feeling a bit dizzy. I hadn't eaten since yesterday at lunch and I wasn't giving in. I just took some asprin and tried to concentrate on 6y+98- (-178)(56). Man, this stuff was difficult..

~~~~~

I was changing for P.E. when I started shaking. "Shit, low blood sugar!" I said as one of my classmates passed bye.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"Ya, ya I'm fine."

"Wanna walk to the gym with me?' She asked. I really didn't want to, but she seemed nice so I just went along with it.

"Ya, sure," I said with the fakest smile.

~~~

Once we got their, our coach made us run 5 laps. I didn't feel well from the lack of food in my stomach but I did it anyway.

I was almost done with my third lap when everything blacked out. Or did I black out?

~~~

I woke up in the nurse's office with a cold pack on my head and the nurse checking my pulse. She new I suffered with anorexia and her and I were close enough to the point I could tel her the last time I purged, cut, etc.

The first thing she said when I woke up was, "When was the last time you ate?"

"Umm, yesterday at around noonish." I was still shaking like crazy, from both low blood sugar and nervousness.

"Alright." She scribbled a few things down on her clipboard. "You can leave once you eat this granola bar and wait here for 35 minutes." She handed me a granola bar and pointed at the clock.

I thought of all the ways I could get out of it and then I just gave up. I had to eat it. I nibbled the whole thing down and waited for it to digest, otherwise she was afraid I would purge it up.

~~~~~

I was walking home from school and I remembered "the surprise" Josh was talking about. I suddenly got really happy.

I went to open the door and there was a message taped to the door with my name on it. I opend it up and read it.

To My Bella Boo:

I love you so much and I cant wait to see you. There is so much we need to catch up on. Talk to you soon. 

Talk to me soon? What did he mean soon?

I looked for the spare key that was always hidden under the WELCOME mat. I couldn't find it anywhere so I just tried to oped the door, and for some reason it was unlocked.

I walked in and saw Josh sitting on my couch. I screamed and ran to give him a hug. He kissed me all over my face and I started crying because I missed him so much. But then he frowned.

"What's wrong?" I asked though the tears.

"Its just, you're so...thin."

I pretended to ignore him and I just cuddled in his arms.

"So how are you?" He asked, pretending the last sentence wasn't said.

Should I tell him I passed out? Or should I just tel him I'm fine?

"I'm fine."

He looked at me in disbelief.

"Let me ask again. How are you?" He didn't believe me and I didn't blame him. I looked tired and upset and sick. I looked depressed.

"I'm fine, I just told you."

"Boo, you don't have to tell me you're fine. I know you too well. Please Bella, just tell me what's wrong."

"I passed out during gym class, but don't worry, I'm okay now."

I wasn't okay. I was far from it. 

He held me by the waist, put me on his lap and kissed me. He made me feel loved.

Loved.

"Let's go out tonight. Just you and I. Is that alright?" He asked. 

"Of course it is. I'll go shower and get ready. You can watch tv or come and wait in my room." 

"I'll come with you. I like the scent of your room."

We both laughed as we walked up to my room.

SHIT! I remembered I left some blades on my desk! 

"Why are these here?" He asked with a frown.

"I don't know." I shrugged. As I sat on my bed.

He came and sat next to me and kissed my forehead. "You're beautiful."

I smiled. It felt good not to force a smile this time.

I got up and took my sweatpants in the bathroom and took a shower. It was really hard shaving my legs because all I wanted to do was rip the blades out and cut myself. But NO. Not tonight. I couldn't ruin everything. Josh was here and I just couldn't.

I got out wearing nothing but sweatpants and a sports bra. Josh smiled when I walked into my room. 

"I missed you." He always told me he missed me and it made me feel special.

Special.

"Where do you wanna go?" He asked me as I pulled my hair out of the towl and pulled over one of Josh's hoodies that I had.

"Wanna go for dinner and then the park or somethimg?" He and I were both surprised when i said that. I never wanted to go out for food, but I didnt want him to worry, since he was already under some stress with his grandmother.

"Ya let's do that." He replied. "Come sit," He said.

I went and laid down on my bed where he was laying. He put arm around me and I kissed his chest. 

"Stop hurting yourself," he whispered as a tear rolled down his face.