Am I Worth Saving?

The beach means swimsuits and swimsuits mean scars...

a/n: ok so sorry for the last short chapter, i have some good ideas for this story and tho it may seem like this chapter is pointless, it will get better, or the next chapters will i promise :* love you guys :) keep reading!! oh and also it might be kinda short... sorry..

I woke up at around 9:30 the next morning and the first thing i did was text Josh.

To Josh:

Good morning :) wanna hang out later???

About ten minutes later he texted me back.

From Josh:

"I can't today babe :c sorry.. gotta visit my grandmother. she still isn't doing well and she isn't getting better... I'll probably see you tomorrow or Monday tho :/"

I was so sorry for Josh. His grandmother was basically on her death bed and her and Josh were so close. I would hate to see her go.

To Josh:

"Ok babe. I hope all goes well. I'll miss you. See you later <3"

~~~

I didn't really know what to do today. It was Saturday and I had no plans. My mom didn't work on Saturdays though so I guess I could spend the day with her.

I went downstairs in my kitchen to see if she was awake. She was and she was eating a bowl of cereal and reading the newspaper.

"Hi Mom!" I gave her a big hug because I haven't seen her in a while. She's always working.

"Hi sweetheart."

She kissed me on the forehead and asked me if I was gonna have a bowl of cereal. I said yes so that she wouldn't worry about me, but I just poured it and went to watch tv. While I was watching tv, I set the bowl down and let it get soggy so that I wouldn't be able to eat it. I already had a ton of calories last night with Josh. I didn't deserve more.

"So Bella, do you wanna do something today? It's my day off from work and I really don't want to sit in the house all day," my mom said.

"Ya, sure," I replied. 

"Let's go to the beach," she suggested. It was only early April but we lived in L.A., California, so it was already pretty warm.

But no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! The beach means swimsuits, and swimsuits mean scars, and scars mean my mother will know I relapsed. This is not good, not good at all.

I really didn't want to go, but I figured I would just agree. So I did, then I told her I was going to get ready.

I ran upstairs and texted Josh immediatly.

To Josh:

"Shit! My mom wants to go to the beach! She's gonna know I relapsed.

It took him a while to text back, but eventually he did.

From Josh:

"It's ok Bella. Everything is gonna be ok, please don't panic."

He knew me so well, because the next thing I knew I was having a panic attack.

To Josh:

Too late...

Seconds later I heard my phone ring. I answered it with my panicky, shaky voice.

"Hello?" I was so fucking nervous.

"Hey Boo? I can only talk for a short period of time, but listen to my words. Calm down. I love you. You are beautiful. You don't need to worry, If you are so scared then put on a Band-Aid. Shh.. It's ok, I promise."

*Josh's POV*

I started to hear Bella breathing less heavy and I could tell she was calming down.

"Thanks Babe, I love you. I'll see you on Monday." And with that she hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~

*Bella's POV*

I am so thankful for Josh. He always calms me down. As I was getting ready I just put bandages on my most recent cuts. 

It was nice being at the beach with my mom. She didn't even notice my cuts. Or maybe she did and she just didn't say anything, Either way I was thankful. We sat in the sun and afterwards we went out for icecream. I got a Skinny French Vanilla Frappe and only drank half of it.

When I came home I was so tired and worn out that I just went to bed. It was only 8:00 pm but I needed to sleep.

My sleep was no where near peaceful though. I woke up several times and had a nightmare about Josh commiting suicide. It was awful. I woke up sweating and shaking and crying and I didn't know what to do.

I just layed their crying for what seemed like hours. Eventually I knew what I had to do. I got up and went to my bathroom where my blades were. I looked at them once, twice, I knew what had to be done.

But what would Josh think...