fool for you ;; stydia

26.2.16

tw; panic attack. this is my experience with anxiety and from my knowledge, everyone experiences it differently. these are the kind of thoughts i have. if you know it's going to affect you, please skip this chapter. there will be a summary at the end.

Lydia tumbles out of bed, hitting a hand on top of her screeching alarm, relishing in her newfound silence. It felt like she hadn't been to school in forever, but she was there just last week, pulling herself through roughly.

It wasn't the same anymore, though. She constantly felt like she was drowning; like the amount of paper on her desk would just consume her, and she herself would become a test. It wasn't fun, like it was before. Before she was in senior year; everything was a breeze. Mostly because she didn't know what to do with her life, but also because the work load was a lot lighter. Every time she was sat behind her desk, her heart would clench up, as she awaited the foreboding sense of uncertainty that would come with whatever was placed in front of her.

After sitting and staring at the wall for five minutes, she finally managed to haul herself from her bed, and drag herself into the bathroom. Her eyes threatened to close once more as her eyelids began to droop, but she hastily grabbed a glass of water, hoping that it would keep her awake.

She placed her palms flat on the bench, leaning over to assess her features. The few stray hairs around her eyebrows; the dark under eye circles that stained her skin violet; the light freckles that dotted across her cheeks and the cracks in her chapped, red lips. She didn't ever think she would be like this. She didn't think she would need sleeping pills just to lull her into a satisfying dream. She didn't think she would be that person to need anxiety reducing medication. The thought had never crossed her mind. She was Lydia Martin. But things change. People change. Now, she was a broken and damaged version of herself. Someone she'd come to know all too well.

She managed to break eye contact with herself, sighing and shaking those thoughts out of her head. She made her way downstairs to make breakfast, and prepare herself for school that day.

~•~

"You seem a little off," Allison questioned, her eyebrows furrowing in concern, a little crease in between the two, "Are you sure everything's okay?"

Lydia distractedly nodded, tapping her pencil against her bottom lip, her own eyebrows furrowed as well, but in confusion. Her eyes were narrowed with concentration, and she shrugged her shoulders lightly. "Hm," she hummed, "Everything's all good." She took the pencil from her lips to right down another equation, her eyes flicking up to the text book in front of her every so often.

"Lyd, if you need to talk..." Allison offered, bringing a hand up to gently place it on her back.

"I said I'm fine." Lydia snapped, shrugging Allison's hand off her shoulder, faltering when she saw the hurt expression on her face. "Sorry." She muttered, "Maths makes me mad." She offered a weak smile, to which Allison returned, getting up from her seat and heading over to talk to Scott.

If Lydia had have known how much mental strength it took to complete her chosen pathway, she never would have chosen it. The maths work continued to pile up, and as soon as she thought she had grasped a concept, another question would come along and fuck her over, leading her back to square one. Every assignment and test score that passed her by was another number towards her end of senior score; the score that would guarantee her a place at Harvard University.

She scribbled down an equation in her exercise book, figures working themselves through their brain to put onto her paper. She sighed deeply as she slowly closed her book, feeling Stiles slide into the seat next to her.