Yeah.. I Know.

Chapter 7: Am I Done?

Chapter 5:

When I told Brandon how drunk I got, his anger seemed to have returned when really, I thought it would have the opposite affect. So here we are, standing in the middle of the kitchen, Dustin had made a break for the door as soon as Brandon started yelling his head off, and Jesse had tip toed upstairs keeping Brandon's anger focused on me. "Why did you go with them? Huh? You left me here, not know where both of you had disappeared to! I searched the entire house and sports areas! And you know perfectly well how big this house is!" Each of his words were dripping with venom. I couldn't tell what my face looked like but it must have been a pretty big mess. "I'm sorry Brandon. So fucking sorry." My voice cracked on his name. He continued to look at me, not even trying to hide the disgust on his face. "Save it" He snapped. "Don't bother me. Or else I might do something I'll regret." His voice, his words, they were all like a stab in the heart- no, soul. When I got to bed, my eyes were still red and puffy from crying so much in the shower. I had just laid down to cry some more when Jesse entered my room. "What do you want." My words were a slap to his face. "I-I wanted to say how sorry I am. I shouldn't have done that to you. I should have been a good friend and watched you. But, as we all now know, I'm a shitty friend, and I don't deserve any forgiveness from you or from anybody really." When he was done I kept a calm look on my face as I walked over to him and slapped him across the face as hard as I could, and ran to Charlie's room. When I burst into his room crying my eyes out, I jumped on his bed as he came rushing out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel on, and a toothbrush in his mouth. He held up one finger and sprinted into the bathroom. When he came out, he was wearing pajama pants and no shirt, but I didn't care. As soon as he sat down I threw my arms around his torso and cried into his chest as hard as I could. All he did was smooth back my hair and hug me. Knowing to keep quiet until I was ready to talk. When it seemed like I didn't have any tears left, I looked up at Charlie, not caring how I look. "I'm so screwed." Was all I could say. When I buried my head into his chest once again, I felt safe. Safer than I had in a long time, with his arms wrapped around me, I never wanted to leave. "Tell me what happened." As soon as the words left his lips words were spilling out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them. I told him all the way from my parents and feeling so utterly alone, to slapping Jesse. All he said at the end was, "I think Jesse needs a good slap now and then. His head is getting too big, I'm surprised he can hold it up." This made me laugh, harder than I intended. Charlie looked at me, "Are you sure about all this? I mean if you think about it, you're in a house with all guys, three of them to be exact, you cook and clean up after us, you buy us clothes and transportation, you provide for all of our sports needs, aren't you tired? Of always having to be busy? To answer questions, and the money is obviously no problem for you, but to have to keep spending it? And I shouldn't even have to remind you about your modeling schedule, in fact, you have a shoot today. So while I go call Montey to bring over your team, you better do something with those eyes." Charlie always knew how to either make me feel better, or distract me. In this case, he was definitely trying to distract me. So after thanking him and a peck on the cheek, I was rushing to my bathroom. First, I washed my face with cold water, and patted my face dry. After scarfing down a PB&J, Monty arrived with my clothing and makeup team, along with the photographer and the status man, the status man is what I call the guy who makes me sit or stand in uncomfortable positions. Montey gave me two kisses on each cheek and a "Hurry darling, over here." Where I sat down in the chair by the front door because we would be taking pictures by the staircase. My makeup team had to poke, wipe, and apply for quite a while considering I hadn't had any shoots in a while. After telling me to get changed they handed me a Mint Teal Triangl bikini and applied body foundation to cover up any flaws. Did I mention by "go change" they mean go stand in the corner while other people strip you down? Because that's what it is. Charlie and Jesse have learned to stay clear of my photoshoots for this reason, they have walked in on me naked so many times I've stopped counting. When I called for Brandon, Charlie, and Jesse, only Charlie and Jesse came. I guess Brandon is still mad at me. "Ok darling, now I want you to sit down in the center of the- yes! just like that with your feet apart and knees together- great! Now rest your elbows on your knees- look at you! Beautiful! I could kiss you but I don't want to mess your makeup up!" The staircase is now piled with black balloons and strings of white lights laid casually on the ground. My tan makeup and bright teal bikini makes me feel amazing and stand out. I instantly get into the zone, only smiling when told to, the rest I keep a sexily serious face. The bright lights become hot after a while and I am almost dripping with makeup. They stopped shooting and changed me into an unsettlingly skimpy, black sparkly bikini, and I am no longer surrounded by balloons but white string lights are draped across my body, as I sit sideways with one leg straight in the air and the other bent in the air beside it, with my right arm on my forehead, and the other behind my head. The cool metal of the stairs is an instant relief, making my back arch and winning big smiles from everyone... well, almost everyone.

After a quick shower I slipped a sports bra and running shorts on to head out to the track. When I got there, surprise, surprise, Brandon was there also. In the heat of my anger I stomped up to him, "What the hell is wrong with you lately? I called you during my photoshoot and you never showed. In MY household, when I call you during a photoshoot or at all, you come. No questions about it." My words were harsh, but that's how I needed them to be. Guys like to underestimate girls. A lot. His words came out just as harsh as mine, "What's wrong with me? What is wrong with me! Kaitlyn! Listen to yourself! I'm only giving you space to get your shit together! For heavens sake! You got completely wasted, and then proceeded to "almost" sleep with your best friend." He put hand quotations around the word "almost." This made me so furious that all I could do was yell, "Well, I tried! I tried to makeup with you! I tried to say I'm sorry! But I guess I'm just not good enough for you!" I ran away from not only him, but my world, my heart, and everything that I need. I ran away from it like it could explode at any moment. And maybe exploding, isn't that far off.

I stormed into the house wanting to punch something, anything. So I went ahead and punched the pantry door. Oh what a mistake that was. My knuckles started to bleed and I'm pretty sure by tonight, there would be bruises. But I didn't feel a lot of the pain, the pain in my chest made punching the door feel like I was punching rubber. But the door, sadly, didn't break. Guess who's hitting the weight room from now on. When I did look back though there was a pretty good dent. Jesse walked in a started to chug the Orange Juice carton, "Why is there a dent in the wall, and blood on your knuckles?" I hate how perceptive he is. "I was mad..." This made him look up from the box of cereal he was currently investigating, "Oh? And why would you, of all people, be mad?" I turned around to go do my makeup, anything to avoid his questions. "Kaitlyn? I'm talking to you." I whipped around and talked through my teeth so I don't yell at him, "It's Brandon. It's always Brandon. He's being such a jerk lately, he's started to ignore me, and I have absolutely no idea what to do." He put the cereal box down, "Are you sure you want him to stay? I mean... He's kind of problematic. If you keep stressing like this you're gonna get acne." I gasped, "How dare you mention that in front of me." He just laughed, "It's part of being a teenager, sweetheart." Something inside of me cringed at that word. Sweetheart. It brought back too many thoughts. Most of which consist of "what if." But then I realized, Brandon has no where to go. He's stuck here. I would be pretty crabby too if I was stuck in a house with two other girls and only one other guy... If you put it from a girls perspective.

I tried to recall what his face looked like when I ran off. Worried? Mad? Concerned. That's what it was. But why would he be concerned if he's mad at me? I have no idea how but I have to find answers to all these questions. Or else I swear I'll go insane. But my source? Yeah, he hates me.

When I walked into my room I changed out of my workout clothes and put a bikini and some shorts on. This, if you couldn't tell, is my favorite thing to wear. I grabbed my phone and plugged in my headphones and danced down the hallway singing, Love is An Open Door from the Frozen movie, when I bumped into Brandon who was walking down the hallway looking at his phone. "I'm Sor- No, no it's fi-" We were both talking at the same time so I just decided to stop talking but he had also decided that too. Brandon spoke, "I'm sorry. For everything." This took me by surprise, "No. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you feel so trapped. I know you do, don't lie. I should give more freedom." He looked as if I should say more. But, honestly, I wasn't good at apologizes so that was the best I had, I slapped his arm, "Don't be ungrateful. I'm not good at apologizes. So that's about all you get." He just smiled.