My Life as An American High Schooler

here it goes

There's just so much. So many thoughts so many emotions, yet nothing. Everything is consuming me. Eating me up and I hate it. Hate it. Always back to this. I don't even understand myself. I just I don't know. I feel like everything's on the verge of falling apart. Like it will all just collapse and I go down with it. Because I made the mess.

I get like this. I don't understand how to express myself before its too late. I let everything pile and pile and just bottle it all up. Its just pressure. Pressure to succeed. To do everything. And now I have everything, and its just going to fall apart. Because I mess up. By piling everything, I get numb. I get to where im at now which is not understanding myself. Not understanding what I think, feel, know. I don't know.

Its like my life is playing out and im just watching it. Everyone is living their lives while im trying to understand this little problem of what the heck is wrong with me. Because it comes out of nowhere. I was fine. Happy. Everything was going. And then it starts. Ig im usually just triggered by my parents. One thing leads to another.

Im just such in a horrible state and I want to get out of it, but I don't even know how to begin to crawl out. I want to help myself, but i feel that doing so will push everyone else away. They say in hard times, your real friends will stay, but i wouldnt even want to be around myself. So how do i expect others to do so? Im just a mess. a horrible mess