Complications (Zarry)

Chapter 13 - The Incomplete Truth

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT

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Not once in his life did Zayn feel like a bad person. He always made sure not to get in trouble, despite the fact that he wasn't always the perfect son or student, but he tried. He's not a perfectionist - not obsessed with being perfect and pleasing everybody, as far as he can tell. But he enjoys the satisfaction of doing good things, of making someone proud or happy with him. He lived for those moments where he did something good and received proud glances and thankful words or received gifts in return of the good thing he did. Maybe that's slightly fucked up, since he does good things not for the pleasure of doing them but for the pleasure of the praise he's going to receive for whatever it is he's going to do. In his opinion, it's not a bad thing, he just enjoys making people happy. More like, enjoys the feeling he, himself gets when he makes people happy, to be specific. Enjoys being proud of himself, being happy with himself, enjoys taking every chance to prove to himself that he's a good person.

Yeah, he did grow up and ended up curving off that road slightly, disappointing a few people with his decisions but it's okay. He knows he's only human, and he makes mistakes and when he thinks about it, they were his choices, not anyone else's so others should just shut the fuck up.

It didn't feel good when he disappointed his mom after being caught smoking in the hall, in his senior year in high school. Her sharp, sad eyes as they looked at him with judgement as if saying 'I didn't raise you to end up like this' Zayn was almost certain he would hear her say that. It was all the motivation he needed to be even better. To keep doing good things and receive satisfaction and pride from people.

So, other than those few times where he made mistakes, not one person or one action he did made him feel like he was a bad person.

Until that night.

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Talking to Harry, sounded like stabbing himself in the gut when he thought about it. And of course he thought about it. It was torturous; to spend those days apart, almost like strangers with almost no interaction at all. It was even worse than when they first met and it made the guilt eat at him even more. It would exactly feel like stabbing himself in the gut because it's inevitable that Harry would get hurt sooner or later, and that meant Zayn himself was gonna be hurt too. So, stabbing himself felt like the perfect metaphore to use.

He was laying in bed, alone, smoking away the little weed that was left with him. Harry was at work and his working hours weren't as long as Zayn's so he would be home soon. And it was bitter sweet because just seeing him, or feeling his scent nearby or just hearing his footsteps as he moved around the house, warmed Zayn's chest. But at the same time, being around him and forcing himself to treat him so coldly, forcing himself to even stop acknowledging his existence made his chest ache. It wasn't helping, Zayn was only prolonging the torture and postponing what was bound to happen. They would talk about it. They had to talk about it.

He didn't even know what Harry did on his first day at work, or who he was going out with and constantly calling these days. It made his heart hurt a bit more, knowing Harry was enjoying his time with someone then coming home to completely avoid Zayn.

Zayn understood though. He knew what Harry was doing. Harry was giving Zayn the space he thought he needed, was pushing away on purpose, thinking Zayn would open up when he feels like it. But it's not that Zayn was mad at Harry or upset about something he did, no. It was the mistake Zayn had made and it's the sole reason why he's acting this way, pulling back, stepping away.

He just really fucking hates confronting someone, especially when it comes to problems, and especially when it's problems that are his fault. He's perfect at telling someone off, knows what words to use to make that person feel like pure shit, to make him wish to disappear from how bad he feels. He actually loves it, because it makes him feel good, taking his anger out on the person who caused it. But if he confronts Harry, the fault would be on him. He would be the one to feel like pure shit, he would be the one to wish to disappear from how bad he will feel.