Who He Is

two

Disclaimer: This chapter contains a scene relating to matters of rape/sexual assault.

"J"
January, 2008

There's a secret that everyone in my orphanage doesn't know about me. A secret that I think about every day during my shitty life in hopes that it'll happen. And no, it's not that I'll one day get a family, I've given up on that.
Fuck that.

The secret is that every single night before I rest my head on my flat, cold pillow, I pray to what ever god is up there to let me die in my sleep so I wouldn't have to live another day in this life. I don't care if I'm sent to hell either, because I'm already in a version of that now.

I've come accustomed to the feeling of having a tear soaked face. In fact, I can't recall a time where I went to sleep dry-eyed. A small part of me was hoping that today would be different, though. Reason being that today was my thirteenth birthday.

Birthdays at the orphanage weren't exactly celebrated like they were in normal homes in normal families, but more like a day that the people who work here dread. They're forced to make a shitty cake with shitty icing that they claimed to not have enough of to spell my entire name out, so they just put J.

No thirteen candles or singing "Happy Birthday" either. Cause' that would be asking too much.

I did, however, get a gift from my favorite person here. It was Miss Sara, our teacher here at the orphanage. She was the only one that bothered to talk to me, and the only one genuinely nice.

Like earlier today when everyone was doing their school work, Miss Sara pulled me into her private office to give me her gift.

"You're thirteen now, you know what that means right?" I remember her asking. Her voice was as sweet as honey, and her long hair resembled the color of brown sugar, and god, she smelt like it too.

I replied by shyly shrugging my shoulders, and could feel my cheeks heat up when her full lips curved up into a smile. She then bent down slightly to put her mouth beside my ear, and whispered:

"It means you're a man."

I lifted a brow in confusion, but smiled, for hers was contagious.

And after that, she sat on top of her desk with me in front of her before spreading her legs slightly, showing the color of her panties underneath her skirt.

"Pull them to the side." Miss Sarah licked her lips and I became as nervous as ever, only seeing this type of thing on dirty magazines that some of the older boys hid under their mattresses.

I put my shaky hand out to grip the side of her black lace panties, and pulled it until her entire, you know, was in view.

A part of me knew that it was wrong, that she was a teacher and well above my age. But when she held my head down and told me to lick, I couldn't stop.

I lost my virginity as well after that.

I had always hoped to feel happy after my first time, I expected to feel like, as Miss Sara said, a man. A new man. I expected so much, but after it ended and she told me not to tell anybody, I felt even emptier.

I didn't want what happened.

I kept my eyes on the ceiling fan above me, watching it spin around and around until my eyesight was blurred.

It was that moment right before you fell asleep when your body was calm and at peace. It was the moment I looked forward to all day, and I didn't understand how some people's lives felt like that all the time. I would die for a life like that.

But that was all thrown away when my door was thrown open hard enough to make me and my roommate bolt up in our beds in fear. It was Mister Terry, the younger man that sometimes walked around the classroom to check on things, the man that hung around Miss Sara a lot too. She was behind him as well, fear in her eyes and tears down her pale, freckled cheeks.

"You boy!" He screamed with the most red and angriest face I've ever seen. "Get your ass up!"

My heart began to race faster, and I grew legitimately scared for my life as he stomped towards me and grabbed me by my shirt before throwing me to the floor.

"Terry, get off of him!" Miss Sara sobbed, but Mister Terry was already throwing punches at my face over and over. He was such a big man compared to me physically, so all I could do was lay there and try my best to cover my face.

All I could feel was pain. All I could see was red. He wouldn't stop.

Maybe this is what I've been praying for, I thought mentally as blood trickled down my face onto my neck. I finally get to die.

However right as that thought processed in my mind I felt the weight of his body being lifted off of me by another man, someone I couldn't see due to the blood blurring my vision. And as that happened, my body went into automatic protection mode.

I had to try, I thought, the thoughts of dying fleeing my brain at least for the time being. I couldn't let them win.

I tried my best and got up, stumbling quite a bit, but slowly and surely got up enough to run. I ran past Miss Sara that was still wildly sobbing and made my way down the long corridor and out of the wooden door that I hated so much to see.

It was the door that I was too used to seeing parents walk out of with other children that weren't me. It was the door I wasn't ever allowed to go past, until now.

I ran through the wide open field that was in front of the orphanage before hitting street. And when my bare feet hit the road, I was gone. And for the first time, completely on my own.

And that's how it was gonna be from then on out.

___

(A/N)

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